It is only 161 days since I told the ER doc to stop talking and give me the transfusion he said I’d need to live.
“If I need blood to live it sounds like it is better to get that started and deal with any consequences that might come afterwards.”
Four days later when they released me from that Baylor Scott & White in Grapevine I remember thinking about all the different possibilities.
They had kept me in for an extra day because the blood work showed I might have picked up some kind of infection. So I stayed with two IVs going in either arm, pumping me full of antibiotics and left with another prescription just to be thorough.
A month ago when they got ready to stick me under the knife to repair the tendon I tore they asked me if I had an advanced directive and I shook my head.
“If something happens bring me back.”
And then because I don’t always take the simple path I got to answer the question again because I was the fortunate recipient of an endoscopy that was supposed to identify why I am anemic and help secure more details about my liver.
When the nurse asked if I understood what was happening I told her about October and that the Angel of Death was angry with me, but smart enough not to come again.
“Even with one arm I am still too much for him. One day he’ll get me, but not today.”
She asked if that was a yes and I nodded my affirmation. “If I die on the table bring me back, I have things to do and the idea of having to fight my way out of the underworld is irritating.”
I’ll Dance/Walk Through Fire
Took that picture about a year ago but it’s pretty close to what I look like now with a little more gray in my beard and hair. After the various health challenges of the last few months I am sort of surprised there isn’t more, but then again I am not.
I am the adult version of the five year-old who would angrily say ‘I take this potch and I throw it away.’
If you know me well you won’t be surprised to hear me say I’ll dance and or walk my way through the fire. I am angry about having had to deal with the nonsense of the past few months.
Looked at my reflection and reminded it the warranty hasn’t expired on this almost 57 year-old body.
I am in the gym daily with the brace on my left arm on the treadmill and or lifting weights with the parts of my body that work. Got another week or so in the brace and I think I may be given license to start rehabbing the bad arm.
The plan is to start lifting real weights again with it by June, but we’ll see how it goes.
*****
The night before I went for my EGD as I went to sleep I told my father that if I saw him again anytime soon it better be solely during slumber and not while I was wrestling with death.
I am not pleased by the anemia or the liver questions but I am not going to buy trouble until I know I truly have it.
But it didn’t stop me from thinking about what I might do if the news wasn’t good. Dead fish doesn’t smell better if you let it sit which is connected to why I want to know what is going on.
I can’t fix what is broken if I don’t know what it is.
Standing Against The Jew Haters
A colleague asked me if I was still going to go to shul after this most recent incident in Michigan. He isn’t Jewish so he wanted to know how I felt about being hunted.
I told him we need more people to join us in standing against the Jew haters. I said we don’t have the numbers to shut it down by ourselves but if we need to we’ll stand alone.
“This isn’t new. This isn’t different. It is new to us, to my generation and to my children but my grandparents and great grandparents knew it.
The antisemites come go chew on broken glass washed down with a gallon of Carolina Reaper juice. They can get bent over and fucked with barbed poles and get dehydrated with tears of disappointment.
We beat the Babylonians, pharaoh, Romans and Nazis. They are all gone and we’re here.”
He looked at me and said I had a colorful way of saying I didn’t like it. I shrugged my shoulders and said life doesn’t ask if you like what is going on. It only asks if you will stand up or be beaten down.
None of that is bravado, it is what I think, feel and believe.
I am not happy by any of this. I am politically homeless as I no longer trust either party to look out for our collective interests.
We’re catching heat from both sides and more than a few are beating the blame Israel for antisemitism drum even thought it is a morally indefensible position to take.
If you asked them if they’d make excuses for attacking Christians worldwide because people were unhappy with America or Britain they’d call it ridiculous.
If you asked them if they’d make excuses for attacking Muslims because of Boko Haram they’d say that is ridiculous.
And it is, physically attacking people just because they are part of a particular group that you are angry with is wrong.
But that distinction isn’t being made right now. And when we push back more than a few people have spit out “you don’t get to play victim.”
I don’t feel like a victim or think of us that way. I have no issue with calling out the moral bankruptcy, lack of logic and foolishness.
It needs to be done because it is the right thing. We don’t ask for decency, we demand it.
I don’t expect to reach all I speak with or for agreement on all points but I can reach some and that is a start.
It is like ripples in a pond, reach one and they can reach another.
And if I don’t, well I am good with that because it is better to try and fail than fail to try.
****
I hit the gym hard because it is one of my refuges. I hit it hard because I can’t stomach the idea of not being able to take care of myself.
And I hit it hard because I am not convinced I am beyond a place where I might have to defend myself and my family/friends.
I hope I am wrong about the latter but I am not convinced it won’t get uglier before it gets better.
But I am convinced it will improve and that things will balance again. I am convinced there are more good people than bad and that we don’t hear as many of the good stories because the bad drive clicks and ads.
Keep the faith my friend, there is plenty of good to fight for and lots of bright spots in the world.
And as Plato said above, plenty are fighting a harder battle. No one is shooting at me or forcing me to run in and out of bomb shelters.
I can do my part to help and that is an obligation I am happy to take on.
If you want to read more posts click here.
Leave a Reply