I didn’t die but I could have is the kind of opening line that can be used in both works of fiction and reality. It is the kind of line you can say with lots of insouciance or with a serious no nonsense manner.
I am still processing my own near death experience and trying to sort through it all which is part of why I am seated here at the keyboard.
If you want to get a recap of what happened you can read A Four Day Hospital Adventure and come back here. If you want more than that click here and flip through some of the more recent older posts but remember the boat leaves promptly at 4 and we don’t wait for stragglers.
You Lost One Third Of Your Blood
I met with my primary care physician today, just two days since I was set free from the joint. He took my blood pressure, ordered new blood work and reminded me it wasn’t going to be normal.
“You lost about one third of your blood, it is going to take some time before your body fully recovers. You need to take this seriously and to focus on your recovery.”
I told him I am taking this seriously and that I when I said I feel good enough to go hit the gym it doesn’t mean I intend to.
I told him I learned the hospital is not a place where you can sleep well nor truly rest. I told him the first two days were the hardest because people kept touching, poking and prodding me. I knew they were doing it for the right reasons but it took effort not to bark at them.
I didn’t tell them or my doc that on day two I set my will to wait it out and silently told my body to heal faster.
Didn’t tell them it sounds kind of childish but when I lay upon the floor bleeding out I learned the importance of force of will in a way I thought I understood but really didn’t, not on the level I do now.
It Was Peaceful
I am lying on the floor, covered in blood, head resting upon my hands taking a silent assessment of of my body and all that is going on.
My efforts to slow everything down have failed and I start thinking that a nap is a good idea. Start thinking if I sleep for a bit things will become more clear and that I’ll give myself a chance to rally.
It feels very peaceful and I recognize the siren song of surrender. I realize there is a difference between letting go and staying alert while resting.
I remember the scene in Godfather 2 where they find Frank Pentangeli’s body in a bathtub filled with blood. I remember the feeling I had when I first saw it at 18 and had thought it must be really painful to slit your wrists and recognize the pain is probably fleeting.
That is about when I asked my father to help me, about when I thought about all the things I want to see my children do and all of the plans I have.
Some people give me a hard time when I say I am almost middle aged, but I believe it. I don’t think of myself as being old, certainly not 25 but not decrepit. You long time readers have seen me post about all of the effort in the gym, I can still throw a ton of iron around and am more agile than many realize.
I still opportunity for me to be like Kal El in first flight. I still see lots of runway to grow stronger and I have plans.
There is no doubt it is a good thing the paramedics came when they did because it could have been worse, it could have gone the other way.
But if you ask for my honest, straight from the gut opinion I would have figured out how to master things long enough to have pulled myself out of the bathroom to get help.
Don’t care what anyone says nor need any validation because I know. I know that I have a deeper set of resources that I can draw upon and that I can harder and farther if needed.
I also know there are limits there and that I was closer to finding out the hard way what they are. I know that I didn’t need to have that experience to be able to say what I say with confidence.
It would be better if none of this had happened. But it did happen and I do know.
Now the focus is on recovery and never having to experience this again. My Google/Yelp review is zero stars, this is not recommended.
What Grandpa Wilner Said
When I was in my thirties my grandfather ended up in a hospital that was walking distance from my office.
So during my lunch hour I would often walk over and spend time with him. Grandpa was in his early nineties and though he was mentally sharp throughout his life occasionally he would get confused.
One day he woke from a nap, looked at me and said “Orrie, go get your brother, we’re leaving.”
I smiled and reminded him where we were and laughed when he called me Orrie again. He had figured out where we were but screwed up the name. It was something that periodically happened throughout my life so I never thought twice about it.
While we were talking he told me he wanted to get out of there and that if the Grim Reaper came to visit he’d punch him in the throat. It made me smile.
I told Grandpa that since I was younger I’d take his scythe from him and cut off his legs and his head or something silly like that.
We both laughed and the conversation moved to his great-grandchildren.
****
Tonight will be my third night sleeping at home since I spent those nights at the hospital. In a few hours it will be one full week since the paramedics grabbed me but it almost feels like that happened in a different lifetime.
Meanwhile I have got Bruce singing Land of Hope and Dreams while I roll back through the week and see a silent parade of images flow through my head.
Been on the hero’s journey for a full year now knowing that I was in the midst in some sort of transformation but never expected this would be a part of it.
Never expected I would really have some kind of near death experience nor be able to ask myself some of the questions I am playing around with.
If you asked me what I really want to do right now it is go to the gym and start slinging that iron around just to prove I can.
Don’t worry, it won’t happen because I won’t risk slowing recovery down because I am anxious to get myself back to full strength again.
But damn if this hasn’t been one strange, surreal ride, looking forward to seeing where the adventure leads because this one for damn sure isn’t over.
Leave a Reply