Someone once said “when you think of me, I am thinking about you.”
Jumped out at me today while I was on the treadmill, leaning into the work at hand. Jumped out at me because it was really hard getting things going, really hard waking up the sleeping giant inside but I found him and brought him out.
Remembered what it is like to feel alive and made a mental note to not forget that feeling and to remember this isn’t a sprint, it is a marathon.
Thought about a line in a movie that can be applied to so many things because sometimes we need a reminder that we are already down there.
All that has transpired took me back to a quote from a book written a few years before my birth but one I didn’t read until I was about 15.
I thought about make the words in the quote easier to read and opted not to because this way fits.
In my world when fear comes it generally kicks down the door and tries to overwhelm me. It rarely comes in like the tide because if I see it coming I am good at preparing for it.
In the book they call it the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear and as a teenager I thought it was pretty damn cool. Made sense to me then and it makes sense to me now. Let the fear wash over me. Let it cover my entire being so I bathe in it and then I can start to figure out what is rational and what is not.
The old man used to tell me anticipation was worse than anything else and he was generally right about that.
Every time I have gone cliff diving, been in a fight or other situations in which I had reason to be concerned about getting hurt the moments before were the worst.
Assuming I had or took time to think about what might happen.
I often do and did better by going with my gut and moving quickly. Helped avoid paralysis of analysis and angst I didn’t always need to suffer through.
****
It is a boys weekend here, just Mr. Wilner the younger and the dog hanging out with me. Talked with both of them tonight about accomplishments and the very dark places time and life have taken us through.
I checked off three major accomplishments for both of us and told him to remember there are always going to be people who offer criticism.
“Some people will be very direct and tell you they think what you did and how you did it was stupid. Others will tell you what they would have done but make it clear in the telling they did so because they disagree with your actions.
Be very careful who you listen to and who you hear.
Sometimes there might be something useful there but many times it is not. Don’t swim in their negativity.”
It is more of a rhetorical question because I wrote one. Spent time reading poetry, song lyrics and quotes about writing by writers and flexed my own literary muscles.
Per my standard I am undecided if I produced garbage or greatness but you miss every shot you don’t take and failure to practice means you never improve.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune
Putting the words upon pages is still among the easiest things I do. Those muscles don’t atrophy at the same speed as my physical body.
The cardio is harder because the sleeper hasn’t fully awakened and so he moves at a slower pace than I wish. Still it is daily and that steadiness will lead to where we need to get.
Body remembers weights and that still returns as fast as it ever has with the caveat that joints and tendons are quicker to mutiny.
Diet is where the new focus is, a reduction of carbs and an increase in protein.
I visualize my working to start the engine and to get the fire roaring again. Might not translate into the same metabolism I once had but I can light this one up and improve it.
Have to, there are no other choices if I want to achieve the kind of success I am looking for.
Just need the patience to run the marathon at my actual pace and not break into a sprint before I am ready.
Still I am leaning into other things because I hear the clock tick-tocking the days away and the road ahead isn’t quite as long as it once was.
If I run into a shorter journey than I anticipate I want to know I tried to do something about it.
So let the fear wash over and through me…
