Sometimes the Shmata Queen reaches out across time and space to ask questions and I send my own responses through the ether.
- “June is more comfortable getting naked physically than emotionally with me right now.”
- “What the fuck do you want?”
- “The docs said I came this close to dying so you almost missed your chance.”
- “Am I thinking of you when you think of me.”
Could throw Johnny’s cover of One into the mix for the fuck of it.
Aging Isn’t For The Weak
Sometimes people ask me what the hardest part of it all was. I can’t decide if saying I really thought about letting go is or if it was the part where I couldn’t force my body to work the way I wanted it to.
When I shredded my tendon I didn’t lie down and cry. I stood up and walked to the left and right of the machine, took the weights off and restacked them.
I did a couple more sets with my right arm and then I waited three days before I went to urgent care.
Granted there is a difference between losing almost half your blood to shredding a tendon, but the point is when I am determined to make things happen I get them done.
ometimes when I think about that night and remember feeling the blood run out of me I wonder what sort of impact that has upon us. It’s exhausting and as I have said before there was a point where death didn’t seem painful of frightening.
Where Was The Warrior?
It is not an exaggeration to say I fought to stay alive or that in my head I can see myself fighting death.
Ego wants to picture the entire event as having been something where a guy who looked a bit like the guy in the photo went to war.
But truth is there was a 56 year-old man who asked his father to help him. I can tell you about how I sometimes say “Dad give me a hand” when I am tired and trying to fight through another set.
Been doing that for years now, it is one of those tricks I use to find strength for a couple more reps but I think it is possible the ask was more like when I was much younger.
What is also true is that when I felt like I was being refused I got enraged and that is when the fight got serious for me. That is when I decided not to give up.
But it is also true that I asked the paramedics to give me something to knock me out. I had almost nothing left when they lifted me onto the gurney. I think the ride to Grapevine was probably the scariest part.
I keep thinking about it and trying to stick my hand into that fire because there is something lingering and I know if I can get to it I can make it fade further.
And if I can’t well time will take of that.
Time takes care of so many things, the ghosts and goblins- they lose their strength.
And if they don’t, well then it is worth taking a second look now isn’t it.
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Still more focused on producing content for the Substack, so that is currently where most of my efforts are falling into.
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