If you haven’t read part one you could click here and read it or you can just scroll on and see what I come up with.
And if you want to know what I am listening to while I write this you can listen to Amir Dadon’s cover of Kulam Gnavim.
It is on my Apple Music playlist and lately it has been a regular part of my ear candy. I have to focus harder to translate it into English but I spend less time on that.
It’s essentially one year since I did battle with the Angel of Death and my inner dialogue is wrapped up in that. I am sure June has lots of questions about that and a dozen other things.
I get it because I have a million of my own and I keep plowing through them. I keep pulling them up, turning them over and spinning them around to make sure I follow it all.
I jump into the fire and don’t care if I burn because it is a personal quest and I have chosen not to rest until I figure it out.
Pieces of that night that I had forgotten about have come floating back to the surface and I make a point to look them in the eye.
There is a intensity that comes alongside of it and accompanies me everywhere I go. I think about the privilege of not dying and the second chance.
Something about it brings me back to the theater when I saw Colleyville and the fool who in the lobby who almost found out a 14 inch hand fits inside my hand.
But I am happy not to have wasted energy on him, nothing would have been served by rag dolling the guy after Wolfie.
I Found Myself Again
Someone said that I am different and I told them I found myself again. I said I got lost on a side quest and let myself get wrapped around the axel about narishkeit.
They told me I don’t give myself enough credit for how resilient I am and how focused I am on the goals I have set.
I thanked them for it and made a mental note to add it to my gratitude list.
Not their compliment, but the resilience because not everyone has it. It is a gift and it is necessary because we all face our challenges.
It would be grand if I didn’t have a list to roll through of all the times it has served me but that isn’t how it works.
And so I am taken back to where I was before I mentioned Colleyville. I was deep in the memory of that night, thinking about how I had drawn a bath that night.
Thinking about how I did it intentionally because I thought it would help me relax and that it would provide another tool to help me stop the bleeding from becoming a problem. But I hadn’t realized or maybe hadn’t accepted the stitch or stitches were already failing.
I should have headed to the ER long before but I didn’t.
I think the memory made me wince and even scared me so I distracted myself and went to anger. Didn’t want to think about the tub and how I saw the water turn a deep red.
Didn’t want to think about what it took to pull me out of the tub because it wasn’t easy. My legs had already started to mutiny. When I pulled myself over the side I lay on the floor and didn’t bother to grab a towel.
I didn’t have the energy to do something that simple.
Einstein is correct, any fool can know, I want to understand because if I understand the things that bother me will fade.
****
Someday you’ll accompany me is playing in my ear and I can’t help but snort when I hear some of the lyrics.
Bob says you start with fire and you lose the flame so you end up cold and on your own. I nod my head, a wry smile across my face and smile as he moves into Like A Rock.
I am pulling bits and pieces from the ‘Stack while I roll through the memories.
Every time I hit the gym I see more signs of how far I have come. Every time I look at my list of goals and objectives I see a series of check marks and smile.
The privilege of not dying provides many gifts and I haven’t partaken of all of them yet. I have goals, ideas, thoughts and dreams I am working on.
Not in the sense of “I’ll get to it one day but active as in I am pulling them closer. Changes aren’t just coming, they are happening now.
The hero’s journey is well underway, it will be interesting to see where it ends up taking me.
The ‘Stack is growing by leaps and bounds, I think I found my voice there too. Life is pretty good.
Leave a Reply