It Is The Privilege Of Not Dying

Sometimes nature wakes me in the dark of the night and I wander into the bathroom and am surprised by flashbacks of that night in October.

I remember lying on the floor recognizing that I didn’t have control over what was happening to me and was probably going to die.

Sometimes I stand by the toilet staring at the place where I lay bleeding out and try to put myself back in the moment.

I figure if the flashbacks are going to come than I ought to confront whatever my mind is trying to process.

Once I stood there silently screaming ‘come on’ at whatever demons might be lurking in the dark. I knew it was ridiculous but I was prepared to fight. That silent scream was aimed at myself as much as whatever else could be floating around.

Thought some more about We’re Strangers With Memories…Now and then I moved on.

It is the privilege of not dying.

What Could You Tell Me?

I took the photo above at a Target in Grapevine in December 2017. I thought the family would appreciate seeing my father check out another store he could visit back home in Los Angeles.

Figured I would take him to the Costco in Southlake too because I knew he would appreciate seeing what they carried and or didn’t stock in Texas.

I think somewhere during that trip is when I found out the old man had died on a table during a procedure and been brought back.

It kind of irked me that I hadn’t been told about it. I remember talking about it when it was just me and him in the car and how he said to relax because he didn’t die.

Thought about how that it how I refer to my experience and wondered if he would find my approach to be too cavalier.

It’s different when something happens to your kid and not to you. But this July marks eight years since Dad followed Shoeless Joe into the cornfields so the days in which those discussions were possible are long gone.

Still I wonder if this shared experience would bring some revelation or moment we could smile and laugh at.

There is a privilege in cheating death that I think about at least once a week. The opportunity to do things over and to live through new experiences.

I don’t discount it and some things that would have once bothered me simply don’t. But if I said I never get upset, irritated or angry about things it would be a lie because I do.

Might be part of who I am and the never ending fire in the belly or it might be something else. I am not sure and I don’t think it matters enough to get more clarity on that.

The focal point for me continues to be live and love hard.

Still when these flashbacks come I sometimes try to figure out a few things. Because there was a moment when I was on the floor and I thought about letting go and slipping the bonds that hold me here.

I have written about it many times and not once have I ever remembered it or seen it differently than I do now. I wasn’t scared or frightened by the idea and part of me found it intriguing.

I didn’t think of it as giving up, it was letting go.

And then came the moment where I changed my mind. The moment where a switch flipped and I knew I was going to live. It wasn’t even a question, it was a conclusion.

That segment is what sometimes grabs me because I don’t know how much time passed between the two. If you told me that time stopped and I spent a thousand years making the decision I’d believe you just as I would believe it took 30 seconds.

So I’d like to ask my father about his experience and compare notes but it is not going to happen.

My Bionic Arm

Tomorrow marks 30 days since the doc said I didn’t have to wear that giant brace upon my arm. The stitches are long since gone and if you didn’t know about my surgery you’d think I once cut myself.

You can see a scar but you can’t tell what it’s from nor would you think it is of particular import. I haven’t started lifting real weights with it yet but I use it regularly for all of the normal stuff we do in life.

It hasn’t been easy being patient but I have worked hard at it and am grateful that I am able to use it as I wish to.

Within the month I’ll start lifting heavier weights and work towards making it match its mate.

In the interim I am preparing for a new test to try to determine why I am still anemic. It irks me that for the last six months there has always been some health issue.

Fatigue comes and goes, frustrating me because I know I am not quite right. But it doesn’t hit me all day long and there are large chunks of time where I forget anything is happening.

Large chunks where I feel like I can push myself the way I really want to. But I don’t, I hold back because I don’t want my formerly bionic arm to revolt.

It is not time yet, but soon I can resume. Soon I’ll eat a camera so the docs can rule out GI issues or point to them as to why I am anemic.

Overall. the bloodwork is good, so if I can plug the hole things will only get better.

It is hard to be patient but it is also easy to be grateful that I have been healthy most of my life and that even the few things I have been through this last year have mostly been overcome.

If force of will means anything I’ll be on the other side of it all soon enough.

Past posts can be found here.