Sixteen years later I come back to words written long ago and see the truth once uttered remains unchanged.
Full Circle
People come and go in your life and my life or should I say in our lives. Really I suppose that our lives is the appropriate way to say it even if they are two separate lives because they aren’t quite that. Separated that is. There may not be communication in the traditional sense of the word or even that which others would define as such, but it exists.
Such is the world and the way in which things currently are. People, places and things that cannot be explained with logic or rational thought. Matters that should be dealt with such indifference and candor do not apply to affairs of the heart, not now and not ever. It is part of what frustrates and intrigues us. We wish to engage with those we care most deeply about in an open and forthright manner but sometimes do not.
It is not because of some nefarious purpose or chicanery but because we fear to hurt them or those around them. We worry that revealing our true thoughts might be the source of some great offense and wonder what impact that will have. Life has taught us that good intentions do not always lead to a good outcome and though we try hard to do right by all sometimes it is impossible.
And thus we sometimes find ourselves feeling trapped in situations that we would rather not be in. Frustrated because we cannot follow our true heart and feelings, forced to pretend to be someone we are not when all we want to do is grow to become who we wish to be.
Those around us are unaware of the secrets that we are forced to carry deep inside our hearts and the places that should always be filled with sunshine are sometimes filled with rain. Sometimes the solace that we so desperately seek is not truly hidden or forbidden to us. Rather it is cloaked in a garb that leaves it unrecognizable to us as we are now, but open to discovery at a later date.
“Never let go of anyone that you couldn’t go a day without thinking about. There just might be a very good reason why this person is always on your mind. Sometimes, its the brain that knows too well what the heart tries so hard to deny.”
So there you are standing in the place in which you thought you had left, full circle is what they call it. You look out the window of your heart and see the place that you had started out and wonder how it is that you came to find yourself standing there way back when.
It is strangely familiar and inviting to be there but also disconcerting because you are not who you were when you left. The long journey and experiences you had have changed you in ways that you don’t completely understand. Though you recognize the place and remember the warmth of the sun upon your back you are not sure if you can accept what lies ahead of you.
Others who have stood there before you would say that it is to be expected, this feeling of uncertainty. They’d tell you that if you weren’t nervous or concerned about taking that step they would be worried. Who knew that anxiety would be your friend, but it is.
The little whispers in your ear, the voices that urge caution are proof that you have grown and learned. They bear witness that the scars you wear from your journey are proof that you have done something more than just exist. You have lived and loved. You have bathed in fire and come out the other side.
You smile wistfully at the dramatic nature of the reference to fire, but there is much truth to it. That ring of fire you fell into so long ago never stopped burning. Part of what bothers you is that you believed that once you stepped through you would be able to see clearly what lies ahead. You expect to have gained some prescience that would would allow you to be wise and all knowing.
But that is not how it works. You have gained wisdom and understanding. You know far more than you give yourself credit for and now it is a matter of learning how to trust your gut again. In some ways that is the most important part of the lessons of your journey.
For you full circle means that you have returned to the starting line so that you can make your decisions about the future based upon the learning, guidance, knowledge and understanding that these experiences have provided you with.
There is no magic talisman or panacea that you can use. It is what you always knew would happen, you are the talisman. You are the guardian. It is every trite remark, tired cliche or simple end to the stories you so love. You are the only one that fix what is broken. You know what it is you want and you know who it is you wish to become.
All that remains is to take that last step or is it first step into that place you need to be.
Is the Act Of Writing More Important Than Reading?
Don’t know and can’t say if anyone will read any or all of the post.
There are approximately 891 words that were written in 2010 that may occupy some or all of their interest. Those words may take all of their energy and leave none for those that you see here.
Words that occupy some of my current thoughts and ideas. I continue to think about the chaos unleashed by ICE and those they murder.
The impact of decisions made by others and what actions need to be taken to best protect my family and friends.
I think about the echoes of that near death experience that I keep writing about and those who presumably haven’t heard my tale.
I wonder if on some level I feel a need to share it with them and that is why it keeps coming up or if it is something else.
There are big changes that preceded all of it and others that are currently taking place.
To my left there is a picture of one of my great-great-grandfather Lipa Silver, a man who was born 170 years ago and who has been deceased for almost 100.
Lipa died 38 years before I was born, post WWII but before the Holocaust, WWII and a dozen other major events that changed the world.
My maternal grandfather Percy was all of 17 when his grandfather Lipa slipped the bonds of this plane and went wherever it is we go. Can’t say if he ever envisioned that I might exist one day or be in a place where I could ponder what his life was like.
I doubt he could have imagined the technology I am using to write about him or that medical tech would save him great-great grandson’s life after he lost half of his blood from complications of surgery.
Sadly I think he would recognize the Jew hate, the unhinged remarks and conspiracy theories that are currently being spewed by some.
That would likely not shock him but maybe he would be heartened by the rebirth of Israel and the strength of world Jewry as it exists post Holocaust.
I do wonder what words of advice and or comments he would have for us now.
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Intermixed in it all I think about the words I place upon these pages and who will or won’t read it. I wonder if they will be lost and or appreciated.
I wonder if I ought to compose more personal notes and send them off or simply let things be as they are and allow the long winding road we walk upon take us where they will.
I wonder if we’ll see intersections of people from the past reappear or if we’ll walk down our own yellow brick roads on our own paths with the memories of those we once knew as faded pictures.
Time will tell.
If you wish to catch up on past posts you can click here or some of the links below.
What Does Almost Dying Teach You?
The 100 Year Old Penny Revisited
Death Didn’t Seem Painful Part 2
How I Slapped The Devil & Slept With His Wife
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