A dear friend asked me “what does almost dying teach you” and I thought about suggesting she read Prometheus Unbound by Percy Bysshe Shelley and focus on a couple of quotes.
“When soul meets soul on lovers’ lips”
and
“Death is the veil which those who live call life;
They sleep, and it is lifted.”
But I didn’t volunteer that particular thought and instead mentioned how few people seem to be aware that it is not an exaggeration to say things could have gone the other way.
I could have died.
If you are among the regular readers of the blog you know I have been thinking about this since it happened and mulling over the experience.
I haven’t hidden it nor avoided talking about it with people.
Nor have I reached out to some people who would likely want to know that the silence we have shared could have gone from an indefinite amount of time to forever.
Part of me has been interested in bridging the gap and sharing the moment but I haven’t done so.
We Were Friends, We Were Lovers, We Were…
The words in the picture above are mine. I wrote them some years ago and used them in a different post but I thought about them again.
Thought about some of the people who didn’t hear about my four day hospital adventure. Thought about whether I would want to know if it happened to them and whether I should treat them the way I would want to be treated.
Thought about who we once were and who we are or aren’t now.
Thought about the trainer in the gym who told me I am an example of someone who demonstrates a love for life and snorted.
He doesn’t know me well and only sees me in the gym, but I appreciate that is the impression I give off.
And then I think about riding in the ambulance to the E.R. and asking the paramedics why we weren’t going to the hospital closest to my house.
“You might need surgery. We don’t know all the places you might be bleeding from.”
I asked them if we could stop at the gas station and threatened to soil the gurney if they didn’t. It really wasn’t a threat, I had to go.
They ignored the request. I am sure they hear far crazier things and given I was covered in my own blood they probably didn’t care about my threat as they were going to have to clean up anyway.
I was angry that I had somehow blown a stitch and that my Friday night was going to hell. So closed my eyes and hoped I wouldn’t bounce off the back of the gurney and hit something sharp.
In my head I can hear the one say we were on 121 and headed towards 114 and remember starting a mental timer in my head.
****
Some of the people who have spoken with me about the moments that led up to Mr. Toad’s wild ride to the hospital have been upset with how cavalier I have been when I say I thought about dying.
They ask how I could have just let go and I say that I seriously considered it but I chose life. I tell them it felt like time stopped and that once I decided I wanted to live there wasn’t a question in my head that I would do so.
If you know me well you know I am ornery, feisty and that I have a grip that would make a gorilla cry. I have walked through hell covered in gasoline and that is the kind of experience that serves you well when you go through this kind of challenge.
You know you’re capable of many things and what this did was highlight that I have another gear I can shift into if need be.
What Is Important
One of the things I learned from all this is that in some ways it is far more upsetting to my family than to me. I scared them and I understand it.
Some of them saw and heard some pretty scary things. I must have been quite a sight that night and I am sure it was hard seeing me hooked up to two sets of IVs.
Even after I was released there were concerns. I lost almost half my blood and I tired easily but I kept trying to push myself.
I kept trying to see how fast I could recover because I wanted to get back to the gym. There were legitimate concerns in their eyes that I would hurt myself by going too hard.
But I knew what I was capable of and knew that I had to do somethings for myself. Some of what happened did scare me and I knew I had to challenge my fears and beat them or they would stick with me.
I also knew that some things that I had thought as being important really weren’t. I have let some of those go and am working hard on letting go of others.
This was a fluke accident, it is not a terminal illness so I don’t know that I look at it as getting a second chance.
But then again you can argue that I did.
And I know that as time has passed some of my feelings about it have evolved and some may continue to do so.
Know this, I have plans for the future and am working hard on making those happen.
I knew there was a clock ticking before all this but I hear it louder than ever. And yes, I know I repeat some of this in the posts I write or that there are similarities.
Remember I write this for me as much as for you.
Though nothingWill keep us togetherWe could steal timeJust for one dayWe can be heroesFor ever and everWhat d’you say?Heroes- David Bowie
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