Have You Ever Danced With Death?

I haven’t hidden the story of my time in the hospital or how the ER doc asked me if I understood that I could have died.

People have asked me if I am bothered by it and I am not. A few have asked if that is bravado and I don’t feel like it is. I have plans for the future and lots of things I want to do.

I am grateful I don’t have a terminal illness and am aware of the privilege of not having to worry about death being imminent. Some who have gotten deeper on the topic have asked me to describe this in more detail and I said if you ask if I have ever danced with death I will nod my head.

“When the Angel of Death came to me I pulled his halo around his neck and tried to choke him out. I grabbed his wings and strove to tear them from his back.

I wasn’t ready to die and I fought back with all I had. I won. He’ll get me some day, but not today.”

If you know me well you’ll know that is raw honesty and you can do as you wish with it.

****

A month ago I watched the Dodgers play the Phillies from a Hospital bed and told the nurses I planned on watching the boys win the Series from the couch in my living room.

I remember talking about it as one helped me move my two IVs and body from the bed to the bathroom. It was somewhere around 2:30 AM and I told them I preferred they not hold my arm because I was capable of walking myself.

One of the things I learned during this moment in time is how strong my need to remain physically capable and independent is.

I found it immensely irritating to have to ask anyone to help me do anything and have made a point since I got out to work hard in the gym and elsewhere to reduce the potential need for that in the future.

Game 7 Approaches

It is Saturday night and the younger Mr. Wilner and I are making dinner plans. We’re making a point not to repeat anything eaten during one of the Dodger losses.

We recognize that superstition likely has nothing to do with whether the boys repeat tonight but why take unnecessary risks.

We have watched the six prior games together, groaned, cheered and celebrated throughout it. There is no doubt in my mind that some of the neighbors heard our collective barbaric yawp when the guys won last night.

I looked him in the eye and said ‘we’re going to do it again. Momentum just swung back in our favor, lady luck loves us best.”

Perhaps I’ll be proven wrong and I’ll end the night being grateful for a great seven game series or maybe I won’t.

But at some point I know I’ll think it is took bad my father isn’t here to celebrate with us, would have been nice to have three generations of Wilner men on the couch or even in the ballpark.

Time Traveling

Don’t have a ton of time before the game so I am going to keep this relatively short but got enough to throw out a few more thoughts to share with you.

I brought those three gloves back from LA to my home in Texas when I visited this past September. The one on the far left was my very first mitt.

If you are among the long time readers you might have read what I wrote about it in an earlier post. I have vivid memories of my father teaching me how to break it in.

Sometimes I still put it up to my nose inhale deeply, the smell takes me back decades and I find myself smiling as I get lost in a parade of images.

The second was my next glove, had to pick that one up as I got older because my hand outgrew the first. That one has lots of memories tied to it as well.

That third one has been mine for years and is the one I used in college but technically it was one Dad picked up for himself. I have many memories of him using it while we played catch at the backyard or at the the fields.

All three of those gloves are good for time traveling and taking me on all sorts of adventures.

One More Thought Or Two

I have posted this link to a motivational speech Arnold Schwarzenegger gave and want to share it again. It resonates with me, makes so much sense.

I have tried to adopt the overall philosophy he espouses and I think it has yielded dividends.

Lastly, I responded to one of the yahoos online the other other day with the words below. Dad would say it was nunsense and ask why I wasted time, but I kind of like it. Might even use it again which is why I am memorializing it here.

And should I change my mind and decide it is foolishness I can always choose to let it sit in this post as a reminder of a moment that once was. That is half of what blogging is about anyway.

You might be as dumb as you look but I didn’t renew my online PHD in Analyzing Online Malcontents, dimwits,nitwits and half wits.

Past Posts

As promised here are links to recent past posts:

What Happens When You Threaten Santa?
How Many People Need To Know You Almost Died?
Four Days In A Hospital Part III
Mostly Dead Is Slightly Alive
Four Days In A Hospital Part II
Death Didn’t Seem Painful
A Four Day Hospital Adventure