It is about two weeks since my last Facebook status update and I don’t know if anyone noticed, including myself.
This wasn’t a planned silence nor was it complete. I wished a few people happy birthday and sent a few condolences but I was relatively disengaged.
I barely updated the blogs while I was away and spent my time focused in other areas.
It started as something that happened by accident and then I decided to dig into it a bit to see if I noticed any changes.
Can’t say that my life dramatically improved or that it had any significant impact upon my mental health. Nor can I say that I missed it in any sort of way that made me think something of major importance was missing.
No one sent me messages asking where I had gone or what I was up to so I can’t say if anyone noticed my absence and that is ok.
The point wasn’t to draw attention to myself. It was more of an unplanned exercise in focusing on what is important to me.
I picked up an Apple watch during my sabbatical because I wanted to increase my focus on exercise and Facebook updates/engagement weren’t necessarily a big part of that.
The watch is being used as a tool to help establish benchmarks in certain areas. I wanted to establish hard data on how many steps I take each day and then increase that by 500.
The idea was without taking measurements you can’t figure out whether you’re making progress.
Five hundred extra steps each day was an arbitrary number, a starting point. An idea that said some incremental changes could lead to bigger changes that were repeatable and sustainable.
A scalable program as some would say and I feel like it is working.
We’re in the early days of the changes but I like what I am seeing.
*****
I realized I am bothered a bit by my next birthday when I will turn 55.
I know it is not old but it sounds old to me and it feels very strange to recognize that 60 isn’t something that is so far away I can’t visualize it.
Sometimes I don’t recognize the guy in the mirror. He looks familiar, the smile is one I know and the eyes, well I recognize them too.
But there is something else there and I think it is tied into this recognition of big changes in life and moving to the other side of some things.
It is not bad.
Not everyone gets to grow older.
I don’t say that just to say it or to convince myself.
I really have buried more than a couple of friends. I know what cemeteries look like from the inside as well as the outside.
*****
One of my fraternity brothers is in town for the weekend so I got the chance to have lunch with him today. It was great catching up.
We sat in one of my favorite restaurants in Addison and laughed. He is a native Texan though he hasn’t lived here in quite some time.
He has been married for 29 years now and that throws me because I remember flying out to Houston for his wedding like it was yesterday.
Hell, I remember flying out to Houston for a different friend’s wedding 31 years ago and hanging out with him then.
That was my second trip to Texas that year and my second time ever. The first trip was a work trip a few months earlier in which I flew out to Dallas.
Our sons share the same name which is more of a coincidence than anything else. It is one of those big things we share.
Anyway, we have moved from being two young Jewish guys in Texas to two slightly older men who spent time talking about potential retirement plans and kids instead of girls and job opportunities.
Someone asked me what I was going to do this weekend and I said I planned on spending time with my daughter.
They asked if that meant a soccer game or softball and I laughed.
“There used to be a lot of that, but those days are gone. She is a sophomore in college now. There might be some shopping for stuff and conversations about classes but no soccer.”
He smiled and said that sounded nice and asked if I would be asked to help with homework.
“Probably not. She is a neuroscience major and has moved beyond my expertise in most of those areas. Occasionally I surprise her by knowing a little something about a class or assignment, but that ‘little something’ is an accurate description.
I know enough to define it but not enough to have any depth. Ask me to say more than 5 words and I am done and that is if I am lucky.”
I am 18 years older than the other guy so I am not surprised by his questions. That is where his kids are at in life and that is cool.
I loved those days. They went too quickly.
*****
My daughter and I have had some great conversations while she has been home and there have been a few moments where I got to play Dad and answer questions in areas in which she doesn’t have any real life experience yet.
I watched her look at something on her phone and angled my head so she was unlikely to see me. It wasn’t because I was spying on her but because I caught her expression.
It was one she has made her entire life and for a brief moment I could see this tiny girl who had dark curly hair trying to figure out a puzzle and then she adjusted her glasses and the young woman she is came out.
We’re getting closer to the homestretch of my home being her home. That doesn’t mean she won’t always have a place if she wants it but I recognize the day in which she has her own household full time are marching towards us at full steam.
Changes and more changes are on the way.
