Felt a little strange, not quite right, but not certain how to explain what was off. Reviewed heart attack, Covid19, Asthma and a few other symptoms and nothing seemed to fit.
Took a rapid test for kicks just to see what would come of it and came out negative.
Had a pretty darn good workout at the gym and didn’t feel any of this. Pushed myself in a couple of spots because I rage against the idea that my body won’t do what I want it to.
The damn fire in my belly never goes out and the idea that I can’t beat back time for a little longer kills me daily. But the twilight isn’t here yet and I can still do most of what I want, even if I can’t do it exactly as I want to.
How do I want it to go?
I want it to work like it did when I was 30 years younger and 98 percent bullet proof instead of 78. That is probably not a realistic goal but there are days where it feels like it might be and I run hard on those.
Run under the sun and or moon and face the sky and revel in the moment because there are others where I feel everything else and that is hard.
Much harder than I can express here.
What Do You Think I Want?
Some of you think you know what I want. Some of you think you know my thoughts but I reckon you might not see as deeply as you might think.
Those who have exchanged keys to look deep inside share a peephole that goes both directions and some insight based on experience and instinct.
But that doesn’t share or provide all nor does looking at things like
Those provide fragments of thoughts and ideas, a patchwork of dreams and reality but that is not a full roadmap or users guide.
That sort of thing comes from in person conversations that may not always be comfortable but sometimes we have to do hard things.
Sometimes we have to face our fears and do more than stare at the fire. Sometimes you have to jump in and figure out how not to burn.
Take a risk and find out or give up.
Giving up is what you do when you have exhausted options.
A Medley
Sometimes I watch this Hans Zimmer performance and consider how he built it. I wonder if his process of composing is similar to how I write.
I see and hear it in my head and then put it upon the page. It generally doesn’t require much thought, especially if I am not writing for professional reasons and or am not overthinking it.
The flow is free and the words rush from fingertip to keyboard to page.
So it occurs to me it might be similar for him, he might see and hear it inside his head and be able to transcribe it upon a page to be played.
Or maybe he has some other method, not sure because I haven’t conversed with the man or read anything he has said about his process.
Might have to change that.
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When I don’t feel well I often begin to visualize whatever is bothering me in some way that provides a physical manifestation that I can fight.
It might sound silly and it might sound juvenile but when you need tools to get beyond something you reach for what you can.
Which reminds me that the crazy hair salon owner from Southlake had an aneurysm.
I lost sight of the shore long ago and have been alone and apart in the sea for a good decade or so. Been a few minutes where I wondered about the outcome but old swimmers know not to panic.
Sometimes you flip on your back and float for a bit so that you can conserve your strength. It is also a good time to gain some perspective you may have lost and regain strength for a new push forward.
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