Sometimes I Need A Reminder

Two things happened today that made my head pop off of my shoulders and shoot 393 feet in the air like a model rocket.

Took me a minute to find it, pick it up and screw it back on and then a second minute to remember sometimes I need a reminder about how bad things were for me a while back.

It was a very ugly time and I went through much of it alone because the fastest way to make things better required me to walk into hell covered in gasoline and keep pushing forward.

Some tried to walk with me but most didn’t and even those who tried couldn’t do much other than encourage me to keep going.

I figure this moment today was nothing but PTSD flaring and after I took a deep breath and pumped out a few sets on the bench I felt better.

The events that set me off were mild irritants and in truth I was more aggravated with myself for letting it chap my hide the way it did.

Felt like a waste of energy but I turned into the skid and promised myself that next time I would do better. Can’t be Superman always and when I recognized that none of this was of the import it once was I smiled.

Because I got to the other side as I always figured I would, even if it took a bit longer than I would have liked.

I Know Things

I used the guy on the bench to the right of me to motivate me to do a couple more sets. I never told him I was competing with him, especially when he got to a place where he was lifting a solid 100 pounds more than I was.

For a moment I considered asking him to let me work in to see if I could still go as heavy as he was. That wasn’t me competing with him any longer, that was my inner five-year-old pushing me to see how much we can still lift.

There is no prize for doing so, nor any sort of reward other than satisfaction.

I didn’t do it because I am confident I could get it up one time and complete a proper rep and certain that if I screwed that up I might hurt myself.

That was bittersweet acknowledging that last part because I still feel mostly bulletproof and in many ways I still am, but there are moments that make me question it.

Moments where I remind myself the moment we lose the power of flight is when we question our ability to do so.

Experience has taught me much and I know things.

It is why I tell people that if they take my hand I can walk them through the storm and or dance in the fire because I have done it.

That is a rough thing for many to accept because sometimes they have other experiences that make them question whether I really can fly, especially when they question their own ability to do so.

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The chaos and confusion of the day and a desire not to spend much time on chores helped me forget that I needed to do laundry before I head out.

So I threw it in late and now await the buzzing of the dryer to notify me that it is ready.

This also tells me that I am ready for vacation. The sign comes when I hit these moments where the silly bothers me more than it should and the desire to work on things requires fighting with myself.

Fortunately I am putting in a short week and though I am not going away there will still be time to sit down and recharge.

That in itself brings huge gratitude because there was a time when I didn’t have that. It is hard to feel like you cannot relax and that hypervigilance is required at all times.

I am not naive enough to believe there may never be another time like that or foolish enough not to take advantage of this time now when I don’t have to worry about such things.