Somewhere between Dallas and the middle of the desert in New Mexico I heard the voice asking “what questions do you fear to ask” but I don’t remember if I tried to answer or not.
Maybe I ignored it and powered through the empty night on a road that looked endless or maybe I ignored it because I figured that voice was what happened after 10 hours of driving.
Hard to remember and I can’t say if it is because something blocked the memory because the time hasn’t come to revisit or if it something else.
Pushed myself hard enough on the road that when I reached my destination in LA I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up.
Took a minute to splash water on my face and walked out with no one wiser to what had happened. Everyone said I looked tired and that wasn’t unreasonable because 1400 miles and change on 5 hours sleep will take it out of you.
Dad asked me what I thought and I told hm I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t just walked away from the future or pressed pause.
The Pause Of The Pandemic
That drive back took place just short of nine years ago. This August will mark six years I returned to find some of what I had built had gone missing in the brief time I was gone,
Some might say that means the foundation wasn’t what I think it was and others would say that if you left the house for an indefinite amount of time there is no doubt the occupants might not be around.
Had ample time to consider the possibilities and options and had come to some conclusions but life proved those to be inconclusive.
Can’t say I was surprised because every time I was ever certain about those things life always proved me wrong.
So if I based it upon past history there was reason for me to be skeptical about what I thought was real and what wasn’t.
Closed my eyes, centered myself and decided if I had to live with an uncertain certainty I would do so for a while because I was built to dance in the fire.
It took a toll and I decided it was time to take control and go a different direction and the universe responded with actions that made me think I might get a more definite answer.
Time and time again things progressed in a direction that convinced me even if I couldn’t rely solely upon science I could go with that mysterious thing that had served as my north star.
It worked and just as I got to the place where I felt like I would get clarity the pandemic hit. Can’t say I expected it to do what it did or last long enough to throw things off kilter but it did.
And now I have new questions based upon the old ones. Haven’t verbalized some but not for the reasons some think.
It is not fear that has held me back.
It is not worry that I’ll hear a no that cannot be countered that held my tongue. It was more of a concern that asking some things when the time wasn’t right would get a no based upon fluster and uncertainty of another.
A no not based upon true desire but upon a failure to see the whole picture and an unwillingness to deal with complexity.
So I set a mental timer and figured that I would be able to sense the time when the timer would ring and I would inquire or decide I didn’t that answer any more.
Some questions have to be answered and yet some questions won’t be and we learn to accept that we will never know. If you have learned to live in the discomfort of not knowing and are willing to walk in the dark you can do such things.
Walking in the shadows and twilight doesn’t imply that things are of a negative bent. It means you have confidence in your ability to navigate by starlight when available and by an internal compass when it is not.
This I can do and have done more than once.
Walk Through The Kingdom
Some old friends asked if I still think about moving to Israel and whether I would retire there or go before.
I asked them how long I have discussed such things and they said since we were sixteen.
“What makes you think this is just something I would talk about. It is not an impossible dream. This is not me wishing I was tall enough to play power forward for the Lakers or that I could play ball well enough to be a Dodger.
There is nothing about this that is impossible. The only question is whether I choose to make it happen. I know how to move heaven and earth when needed, I had to learn.”
We banter back and forth about a few things and one asks me again and I ask them to consider how many times I have moved and reinvented myself.
There are things that could make me reconsider but none of them are fear of moving there or lack of interest. I have the will and ability, it is only a question of if I choose to exercise it.
****
Close my eyes and think back to the first time we walked across the rooftops in the Old City on our way to the Kotel.
I can hear the hum of people chanting as we get closer and the voices of counselors talking about whether we can imagine a walk through the kingdom in ancient times.
There is a voice and connection that I heard back then that I reconnect with every time I go. Been a long time since my last visit but no doubt that when I get back that piece that I left behind will greet me again as it always has.
Somethings just are and somethings just aren’t.
Sometimes you figure it out by opening your eyes and sometimes you close them and see in other ways, but you don’t have to be blind unless you want to be.
