Told Jericho that after twenty years together apart I have written at least a dozen versions of our story together and that she has probably seen most of them, but not all.
Told her that she knows where to go to find them and to copy or memorize what is most important because they could disappear by choice or by dumb luck.
Might feel like a relief not to be reminded or it might be more painful to feel a total absence of connection. Been together apart for so long it is hard to imagine no connection at all.
One day one or both of us will truly be gone and there will be questions about what could or should have been. The size of those questions is yet to be determined because that is how life goes.
If you get twenty plus years you look at what has been and maybe you want more because you can never get enough. But you also might be able to say that it exceeded expectations and you recognize you had to pay your dues to get there.
Or maybe you don’t get that and you do your best to look back, smile at what was and forget any thought of what could be because to act otherwise is a little bit like sticking your hand in a meat grinder while watching the hand crank turn.
I remember when I was accused of being overly dramatic for saying such things and I shrugged my shoulders. I am who I am. Have little to no guilt about most things because there is no upside, benefit or utility in such things.
Besides, some rules aren’t based upon foundations that are eternally applicable. Save my guilt for other things and keep that limited.
Lollipop Land
Been dealing with the denizens of lollipop land again on a variety of issues. Fair to ask why bother and inquire if there is anything useful in doing so.
Fuse blew while I was on the treadmill again today. After I finished cursing I laid down the law on what things could or could not be used while someone was on it.
Three times this has happened so I know what causes it and how to prevent it.
I also know my body doesn’t recover from sudden impact as fast as it once did and it hurt me. Had to go drive for an hour so that I could use the seat warmers and frankly needed to be alone as it flipped a switch in my head.
Was perfectly calm while driving but I was so irritated by this happening again and the idea that I may feel it for a few days I just needed to go.
Tomorrow will be the test.
If I wake up and don’t feel the after effects I’ll know that things are fine. If not, well I don’t think there is a need for a visit to see a medical professional because it doesn’t warrant that.
Part of what set me off was my fury at getting older. It is far better than the alternative, but some of these aches and pains along with various parts declaring mutiny irks me.
Won’t just let it go and accept it, not while I can do things to work with it but won’t just smile and accept it either.
Just not my nature.
Call me crazy, call me defiant, call me adversarial, oppositional, determined and tenacious with a dash of stupidity or something like that.
****
I was on a call where a guy referred to himself as a stupid oaf. He couldn’t see me roll my eyes and smirk because he is far from stupid.
Dude is probably smarter and more clever than I am. If he thinks that thick drawl is fooling me he is wrong. On a prior call I saw the books and the degree behind him.
I know what his title is and frankly I pay attention to the emails I receive. His are well written, detailed and organized.
But I don’t fault him for trying to disarm me with that country bumpkin bit. When people under estimate you things happen.
Nor do I mind saying I think he is probably smarter. Doesn’t hurt me to say that because there are lots of people who are.
There are lots of people who are better than I am at all sorts of stuff.
The real question is whether people use their skills and talent or just sort of get by. Application is everything and intelligence isn’t a big deal if you don’t make use of it.
Been saying this for years, sometimes hard work outweighs talent and luck outweighs both.
