Once all we had were words as our primary form of communication. An exchange of letters on paper or on screen was all the ability we had to connect with another.
So you had to work hard to try and communicate your true thoughts and feelings to those you thought deserved to read them as those you wish would.
You had to put some time in and hope they would be able to connect the dots and see the painting you tried to provide them with.
Sometimes it worked and you know they saw you in a different light than others because you provided them with insight and opportunity to see as no other was permitted.
Wasn’t easy to be so open and intimate but when you let go some good things happened and an exchange happened.
It came with a sort of adrenaline rush too. You held your breath and wondered if you had scared, thrilled or bored them.
If they didn’t respond to what you said you faced a different kind of silence because you weren’t sure what to make of it.
Should you take it as a sign that you words were unwanted, unsought and disliked or was there something else. Was it rejection or something else.
That is life as a blogger.
Been asked that question twice, once by a woman and once by a man. Very different experiences and opportunities but they share one thing in common.
They came about because of my ability to use words and to make them dance and sing. If ever I share the full story of my life including the twists and turns it will include that.
Includes overcoming the ghosts of hairy moment and I did it without having to go Dutch though the dikes failed once or twice forcing me to deal with unexpected flooding.
One of the boys once asked me how I found the motivation and will to deal with all of the nonsense that came along with it.
“Imagine a kiss that changes that your life. You know a moment of electric shock and you can run from flame because if burns or you can try to dance in the fire and see if what you experienced was real.
I dance in the fire because when think you touch the face of god you figure you might as well try again. Better to figure out if you really learned how to fly or if a mule kicked you in the head and knocked you out.”
They asked me if people believed my BS and I laughed.
“Some know the truth and it scares them.”
“Why does it scare them?”
“Because it scares me too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Me either, but I am working on it.”
An Uncertain Direction
The service picked up on Friday afternoon and I asked if the doc’s office had closed early. They gave me an affirmation so I asked them to leave a message about some labs.
Looked at the reflection and said “you’re not old but you’re not get any younger either.”
The reflection gave me a wry smile and asked if I had sent a few emails and made the follow up calls. Though there was a positive affirmation chunks of the weekend have been filled with some consternation about how things will go.
The folks raised me to do the best I can and then let go but sometimes I am not as good about doing so as I would like.
It is a peculiar thing to me because there are things I am an expert at compartmentalizing and I only take them out when the time is right.
Yet things that in concept should be far less important weigh upon and annoy me. I think in this case I am concerned there is the appearance of having half-assed something and I did no such thing.
If some things that are beyond my control don’t happen I am probably going to have to roll with some thinking I didn’t come through as I should have.
That irks me but I am not going to point fingers and try to shift blame because that makes me look guilty. So I’ll just live with the uncertain direction and maybe take the verbal beating…if it comes.
The hard part is the waiting and the anticipation. It is the not knowing what will or will not happen, but that is life.
The deadbolt on the backdoor decided to stop functioning today.
Can’t tell you exactly why it did but it might have been because it didn’t call the doc and get some work done on a timely basis.
Grabbed some WD40 and a Phillips and started taking it apart. Took all of 30 seconds to be graced with a blast of cold air.
Nothing like being hit with 28 degrees and a question of whether you could fix it without running to the local hardware store.
I have changed more than a couple of locks in my time but I have learned that sometimes stupid things happen and things don’t fit as they should.
Can’t tell you how many times I have seen the handiwork of people who tried to hang doors but did so poorly. That is part of the current business I am in.
Anyhoo, knowing how to fix something and doing the work are two different things.
After I took it apart and reassembled it I tested my handiwork and was pleased to see it seemed to have been successful.
There is a certain satisfaction that comes from working with your hands, especially on a day like today because for a brief moment I blocked out the world
My problems are small compared to others, especially those in the Ukraine but their lack of size doesn’t preclude my concern.