They ask me if I understand what it means for their child to miss a time of celebrations and I tell them it is too bad but it could be so much worse.
“Josh, my son worked so hard and now he is probably going to miss all the big things about his senior year.”
All I can do is nod my head and remain silent because I know a very different story and I am not interested in getting into why I think they are being ridiculous.
But they insist on asking me why I can’t just be happy for them and more understanding.
“I am happy for you, already said that but since you insist let me say I have been down a different and darker road.
I know things you don’t and the few times you remark upon it you say things I already know and live. Sometime it is painful so I stay quiet.
Doesn’t mean I am not happy, but it also means I have a different perspective. I walk my own road.”
I am ready to board my ship and sail away to the place where the wild things live and enjoy the peace of mind I know I can find there.
Now reminds me of a past I prefer not to revisit and the echoes of that time are an unpleasant reminder of a place best left in the dark.
Though I know full well it is done and not going to return there is some PTSD involved in the moment and I have no interest in lighting the torches that surround the path to that volcano.
The heat of the lava is all I need to remember and given the benefit of some life experience and maybe even some maturity I don’t need to do battle with demons I vanquished before to prove anything to myself, let alone others.
So I am ready to sail away and avoid the confrontation that will lead to explosions except the ship I would use is in dry dock and there are no alternatives so there may be no options.
Maybe I’ll find out is like walking a spiral staircase and the view is different from the one I remember.
****
The strangest thing about now is this feeling of straddling two worlds and the sense that I have already begun to step into the new one.
Daughter told me about how a bunch of kids from her high school are traveling on spring break trips and shook my head.
Talked with the kids about the possibility and maybe even need for the Feds to send in the guard to try and motivate people to engage in social distancing.
Told them about having seen such things before and discussed the LA Riots.
Threw me when I realized that Dad was only 49 and that I’ll be 51 on my next birthday.
Not that I am so much older, because I am not but I guess I always pictured him as being old during that time and now I realize he wasn’t.
Reminds me again about how many moments in life are things we have no experience with but just do our best to manage because that is just what you do.
Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man, look at those cavemen go
It’s the freakiest show
Take a look at the lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man, wonder if he’ll ever know
He’s in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?
