And it starts with a Bowie song again as the unexpected but familiar memories overflow the mental riverbanks.
I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day
I am 35 again and thinking about the future and trying to develop solutions to unforeseen challenges and have a few ideas about how it can all work.
‘Cause we’re lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we’re lovers, and that is that
Though nothing will keep us together
We could steal time just for one day
We can be heroes for ever and ever
What d’you say?
So much is going on, so many things and it is so noisy that somewhere in it all I get lost but I am not self aware of it to see it until it is already progressed farther than I would have guessed or expected.
But not so far gone that I miss the opportunity to say let’s talk to the friends we call best and we can figure it out.
The words on Facebook say he/she is the love of my life and I smile remembering how unfamiliar that term was to me until somewhere in my thirties.
Not sure why because you would think I would know such a thing, especially because words and phrases are things that stick with me, but for some reason I didn’t.
Maybe it was timing, maybe it was fate. Maybe I just needed to hear it after some life experience.
Whatever it is or was I know such a thing now and recognize it.
Reminds me of the importance of opportunity and how sometimes you have to be willing to jump without doing a complete analysis.
Go with our guts and listen to the song of our hearts.
****
Bowie is still singing and river is raging and and I let the current take me trusting that the boy who could swim like a fish lives within the man.
‘Cuz if you haven’t got faith in yourself who will.
I, I can remember (I remember)
Standing, by the wall (by the wall)
And the guns, shot above our heads (over our heads)
And we kissed, as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)
And the shame, was on the other side
Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever
Then we could be Heroes, just for one day
The pharmacist says I have one refill left and I mutter something about not having taken those pills in a month.
She doesn’t chastise me but I half expect her to. Half expect her to say something about how you shouldn’t mess with your BP.
“I forgot to take them and then I was out of town for two weeks.”
“Sir, that is not an excuse.”
Fortunately it all plays out inside my head because I am in no mood to be lectured. The lack of sleep of the past few weeks has caught up with me and the family says I am beyond ornery.
There might be some truth to that but then again there might not be.
****
Two days ago marked 18 months since dad died and a more superstitious man than I would tell you about how I ran into someone with dad’s first name.
He and I passed each other in the hall of the hotel on the way to breakfast but it wasn’t until I had my first cup of coffee that I realized it.
Wasn’t until I was staring off into space that it dawned upon me. I smiled and silently told the old man I had a story or two for him.
Four hours later I was talking to a rep from a company in Cleveland when the same guy from the morning passed by me again.
I looked up and told the old man that if we wanted details he would have to do better and that if he was trying to tell me something he should “speak English.”
It is a phrase I have used with the kids a few times. Got yelled at once because my daughter thought I was making a racist comment, but that wasn’t what was going on.
Sometimes if you mumbled or coughed while talking with dad he would say it. Usually came a with a smile and it meant he didn’t catch what you said.
If you hear it from me chances are good that I didn’t hear you and that I am silently wondering if I damaged my ears from listening to loud music.
Been a very strange period and every time I think normalcy has returned something happens to remind me I haven’t quite made it to the other side.
Somewhere around 11 or so on Thursday night I looked up at the sky again and asked dad if there is life on Mars and if maybe that is where he got t0.
And it occurs to me if we go with the Bowie theme dad could be the Starman old Ziggy sang about.
There’s a starman waiting in the sky
He’d like to come and meet us
But he thinks he’d blow our minds
There’s a starman waiting in the sky
He’s told us not to blow it
Cause he knows it’s all worthwhile
I like the idea cuz who doesn’t want to believe we get another shot to spend time with those we have lost but I’d be lying if I said I am convinced it is going to happen.
Had the conversation with my grandfathers and they promised if there was something more they would come let me know.
Talked with dad about it too and he reminded me that grandpa said if it exists it is probably pretty good because no one ever comes back.
We both laughed and then we shared a comfortable silence and now 10 million moments later the river says we could be heroes and I ride the waves wondering if it is into the present/future or the past.
