An old friend says I sound like I have developed on of those Texan accents and I laugh and say not quite.
He asks if I spend my days on a tractor or truck and if I remember the Alamo.
“Haven’t been in San Antonio since 2017 but I might have left my sole at the Alamo.”
“What happened?”
“I was hired to reenact Davey Crockett’s death at the Alamo. Gave all I had to that scene and somehow destroyed a shoe so you could say I left my heart and sole there.”
“Dude, I have known you for more than thirty years. You’re a terrible actor, that is why you never play poker with us.”
“Terrible actor? You still think I like you so I feel pretty good about my acting ability.”
He laughs and realizes I am not laughing with him.
“Sometimes you can be a real asshole.”
“The truth hurts.”
Been wracking my brain to remember a story I heard about Johnny and June but can’t quite come up with it.
Every time I get close to grabbing it I feel it start to run away so I am taking a different approach. I am writing fragments about the memory, trying to get close enough to wrap my arms around it and bury my nose in its neck.
Cuz smell triggers memory and if I inhale deeply I know I’ll remember or maybe the memory will feel the weight of my presence and choose to stick around on it is own.
Maybe that memory will decide it needs to hug and be hugged. You never know about such things, life is so unpredictable.
It reminds me a bit of how some people enter our lives and though we know precisely when or pretty damn close to the day we met them we think of them as having been there forever.
Why?
Because some people feel like they are a part of you and your life and it doesn’t matter whether you have only known them for a week, a day or decades.
That is a poor imitation of Nicholas Sparks but the challenge from the writing group was to unleash our inner spark and not spend time editing or thinking about it.
You know how that is, that story of two souls and burning love that you think can only happen once in a life time until it surprises you and happens again.
Unexpected and unsought it serves as one of the great surprises but the trick to such a surprise is to pay attention to it and not let it slip away.
Because if you spend too much time thinking about the comet shooting across the night sky you miss the opportunity to appreciate it and you never know if you will see or experience it again.
Close your eyes and you can be Eric Carmen singing about how you don’t want to be all by yourself or you can go a different direction and ride the see saw or something like that.
Probably have spent too much time sparring with others online about far too many silly things.
Probably wasted time and energy arguing with others who will never be open to considering whether the positions they hold are logical, reasonable and sustainable.
Was told by a few about what a horrible person I am and that I ought to be less fearful of change and more open to being the one that is misguided.
Didn’t bother telling them about my background and experiences because some people don’t deserve the time or truth.
But I have told a few friends and some teenagers that fear is your friend and that you ought to spend some time with him or her.
Fear isn’t just the feeling you get in dark alleys or parking lots. It is not just that tingle you get when you step to the door of the plane and prepare to jump.
It is the voice that tells you not to take a chance on a new job or opportunity. It is the whisper that suggests maybe making a change is a mistake because you might fail.
But if you listen to fear sometimes it is the North Star that helps you identify what direction to head in and or the voice that reminds you that instead of falling you might fly.
Fear doesn’t have to be one or the other, it can be both. Sometimes you close your eyes and find out whether you can harness the power of the Force.
Or something like that.
****
I am seated at the head of the table wearing a white undershirt and am asked if I am trying to be grandpa.
“This one of his shirts, but dad didn’t have guns like this. You ought to hit the gym with me.”
“You don’t need to flex for me, I don’t care.”
“No one in the house but me cares about it. When I was your age I wanted 19 inch arms. There wasn’t any particular reason, it was an arbitrary decision.
I am closer now than ever before, just need to focus on getting them cut. Got to work the triceps a little harder.”
“Dad, I don’t need arms like that.”
“I know. You need to do what is right for you, but remember something. You are not the only one who is trying to take a different path from his father.
Grandpa got himself into trouble when he stopped exercising. I won’t let that happen to me.
So I set goals for myself and I chase after them. Some of them are kind of ridiculous, but if they keep me going…
I fear not having any more than I fear failing to achieve them because I know setting some up will motivate me better than not.”
