The Art of Unfriending

How many stars are there in the sky.

The great Facebook purge of the 21st century began during the most recent presidential election and has continued virtually unabated since then.

At one time I had more than 2,500 friends on Facebook which is a number that sounds ridiculous to me.

Do You Really Have That Many Friends?

About four years or so ago I had a business idea that I wanted to pitch to Zynga, the maker of Mafia Wars, Farmville and a bunch of other games you might be familiar with.

Most of those games were set up in a fashion that rewarded players who recruited the most partners or teammates and so I figured the best way to be able to pitch the company was to have a full understanding of how the games were played.

So I started playing Mafia Wars and visited the pages in which you could recruit other Facebook members. Those efforts in conjunction with the various efforts made by different alumni organizations I belong to made sure my friend count sky rocketed.

Unfriending Begins

The pitch to Zynga went so well they used my idea but didn’t pay or thank me for it. I am not bitter about that, things happen.

Anyway, one of the first things I did was divide my friends into lists of real life friends and those I didn’t know. I then adjusted the privacy settings so that only real life friends could see pictures and “important information.”

Eventually I stopped playing but I didn’t start unfriending en mass because I didn’t pay attention to most of the people I played the game with. That changed when the election came and my feed was filled with all sorts of political rhetoric.

I am not a shy guy and I have never been one who surrounds himself solely with people whose opinion reflects my own, but some of the stuff I saw was ridiculous and over the top.

It seemed silly to me to let my feed be over run by people who weren’t really my friends so  I started nuking contacts whose political insight was filled with racial over tones (it covered both Democrats and Republicans) and people who were conspiracy theorists.

Real Life Friends/Muting

As time passed I found occasion/reason to unfriend some real life friends and/or mute others. My rationale was quite simple:

I don’t need any more negativity in my life. I don’t want it and I have to accept it.  Our Facebook friendship doesn’t provide you with license to fill my wall with your political rants either.

In some cases I found the best way to create peace of mind was to eliminate the person that was wrecking it.

I didn’t notify any of the people I unfriended because I didn’t see the point. If  we weren’t “real world” friends I didn’t feel like I owed them anything and in truth never saw the upside in emailing someone to say I was letting them go because they are bigot.

Conversation and Debate

In some situations I tried to engage some friends in a conversation so that I could understand why they felt a certain way. Some of them made a compelling case for their position and I found that we could agree to disagree.

But if we couldn’t reach that place and the dissent got ugly, well we don’t have to be friends, or at least not on Facebook.

What do you think?

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By Joshua Wilner

Hi, I am Josh Wilner and I am happy that you have decided to visit my corner of cyberspace. I am a writer/marketer/friend and family man. My professional background includes more than twenty years in working with businesses to help them do a better job of connecting with their existing and prospective customers. More specifically I have worked with companies of all sizes from the Fortune 500 to the new start up to help them build, develop and grow their social media and marketing plans. I love spending time with my family and friends. I enjoy music, reading, writing, playing sports and laughing.

4 comments

  1. Hi Josh

    That reminded of that commercial about the girl having 600+ friends on Facebook and her parents only having, I think it was 17 friends. And she thinks she is living and her parents are the ones that are actually going out and being with their Facebook friends.

    We label many as friends, but in actuality we know very little about them. I think we definitely need to unfriend some who are nothing more than self-serving and add no value to our lives. Of course we can have many friends for different phases in our lives, where as they hang out on the internet but not in your own backyard.

    Mary

    Reply
    1. TheJackB – Someone complained that this page doesn’t tell you what to expect to find here in this blog so I aim to rectify this with the next line. I am a father who writes about life, parenting, business, politics and fiction. I don’t use an editorial calendar because I don’t map out what I am going to write that far in advance. The primary focus will be on things that relate to children and parenting. But the nifty thing about that is that encompasses a wide range of things. Sometimes I work with companies on their PR/Marketing efforts. If they provide products or services I will disclose it. Here is an incomplete list of companies that I am currently or have recently worked with: Nintendo, Philips Norelco, Subway, Frigidaire and Mattel. Want to know more about me, keep reading. If I wanted to provide a professional description it would looks similar to this: Jack has a Bachelor of Arts degree in journalism from California State University Northridge. He has been writing for print and web publications for more than twenty years, covering a wide range of topics including: business, technology, parenting, politics, education, sports and religion. That is far too serious so I prefer to use something like: The Jack B. is a writer and author of 39 unpublished books and three screenplays. A former athlete and would be superhero he still fights for truth, justice and the American Way. Though he may look like a grown man, don’t fool yourself he is still a boy at heart. When he is not engaged in Walter Mitty like fantasies he is a husband, father and friend and blogs at TheJackB. Hmm…obviously I have since moved from Random Thoughts over to this place, but that is ok. This page is a work in progress which is a good description for me. I’ll probably tweak this on a regular basis so feel free to keep checking back in because you never know what might show up. I am a prolific writer and update frequently so don’t forget to scroll down the page to see what nugget of wisdom you just might have missed. Here is a short selection of posts to get you started. A Father Describes Parenting A Father’s Burden How Sister’s Helped to Train A Father of “Daddy’s Girl” Inside the Blogger’s Studio- A Dream, Er Nightmare The GermoPhobe What I Dream About I am In Love Becoming a Dad Dad’s Most Important Job A Decade of Dad Grandpa Donuts Why Your Post Sucks and Everyone Hates Your Blog A Letter To My Children- Things That Matter A Letter To My Children-2011 Dad Balances Fear Versus Reality Q&A With Daddy Blogger JackB Save The Last Dance For Me- 75 Years of Marriage An Uncertain Certainty Four Generations & A Wedding The Best Thing My Father Ever Said To Me 1 Foolproof Way To Become a Better Writer The Story Of A House- The Final Days He Died A Hero Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger Thanks for coming by, I hope you like it. If you want to reach me use the contact form or try talk-to-jacknow-at-gmail-dotcom You can also find more information by clicking About Me and reading my profile there. Also, I encourage you to sign up for my newsletter using the form on the top right hand side of the page.
      Josh says:

      Hi Mary,

      I couldn’t have said it any better. I don’t accept every friend request I receive because we don’t need to be connected to everyone. The older I get the more interested I am in strengthening the existing friendships I have and focusing on the people who matter most.

      Reply
  2. lori – Canada – I love figuring it all out and finding I was wrong, changing my mind, learning that I can get excited again about something I thought I was moving away from; changing life-long habits. Mostly I love my husband and my children; watching us all grow through the changes of life, family reunions and celebrations with a good bottle of port and a shrimp ring.
    Lori Gosselin says:

    Hi Josh,
    I think that on Facebook, as in life, we have full right to surround ourselves with people who are positive and uplifting. Friendship isn’t a numbers game. I wonder what Rod McKuen would say about the hundreds of “friends” we have on FB. His quote: “One can never have too many friends. Only too many to properly take care of.”
    Ooop!
    😉
    Lori

    Reply
    1. TheJackB – Someone complained that this page doesn’t tell you what to expect to find here in this blog so I aim to rectify this with the next line. I am a father who writes about life, parenting, business, politics and fiction. I don’t use an editorial calendar because I don’t map out what I am going to write that far in advance. The primary focus will be on things that relate to children and parenting. But the nifty thing about that is that encompasses a wide range of things. Sometimes I work with companies on their PR/Marketing efforts. If they provide products or services I will disclose it. Here is an incomplete list of companies that I am currently or have recently worked with: Nintendo, Philips Norelco, Subway, Frigidaire and Mattel. Want to know more about me, keep reading. If I wanted to provide a professional description it would looks similar to this: Jack has a Bachelor of Arts degree in journalism from California State University Northridge. He has been writing for print and web publications for more than twenty years, covering a wide range of topics including: business, technology, parenting, politics, education, sports and religion. That is far too serious so I prefer to use something like: The Jack B. is a writer and author of 39 unpublished books and three screenplays. A former athlete and would be superhero he still fights for truth, justice and the American Way. Though he may look like a grown man, don’t fool yourself he is still a boy at heart. When he is not engaged in Walter Mitty like fantasies he is a husband, father and friend and blogs at TheJackB. Hmm…obviously I have since moved from Random Thoughts over to this place, but that is ok. This page is a work in progress which is a good description for me. I’ll probably tweak this on a regular basis so feel free to keep checking back in because you never know what might show up. I am a prolific writer and update frequently so don’t forget to scroll down the page to see what nugget of wisdom you just might have missed. Here is a short selection of posts to get you started. A Father Describes Parenting A Father’s Burden How Sister’s Helped to Train A Father of “Daddy’s Girl” Inside the Blogger’s Studio- A Dream, Er Nightmare The GermoPhobe What I Dream About I am In Love Becoming a Dad Dad’s Most Important Job A Decade of Dad Grandpa Donuts Why Your Post Sucks and Everyone Hates Your Blog A Letter To My Children- Things That Matter A Letter To My Children-2011 Dad Balances Fear Versus Reality Q&A With Daddy Blogger JackB Save The Last Dance For Me- 75 Years of Marriage An Uncertain Certainty Four Generations & A Wedding The Best Thing My Father Ever Said To Me 1 Foolproof Way To Become a Better Writer The Story Of A House- The Final Days He Died A Hero Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger Thanks for coming by, I hope you like it. If you want to reach me use the contact form or try talk-to-jacknow-at-gmail-dotcom You can also find more information by clicking About Me and reading my profile there. Also, I encourage you to sign up for my newsletter using the form on the top right hand side of the page.
      Josh says:

      Hi Lori,

      Life is just too short to be surrounded by people who don’t add value, help us or make us better people. I think that McKuen’s quote is spot on.

      Time doesn’t always lend itself to making it possible to take care of many friends.

      Reply

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