July 18th marked eight years since I had to make the last minute trip from DFW to LA.
Eight years since I sat on an American Airlines flight trying to will it to fly faster because I didn’t know if my father was going to be dead or alive when I got off the plane.
He was and the next day I tried to put some of my thoughts upon paper.
I knew Dad was going to die soon and I had promised him I would look out for my mom and younger sister. So I needed to put my grief to the side to look out for them.
So I wrote the words below and steeled myself for what was to come.
It’s silent in my dad’s hospital room but this won’t last long.
Mom is asleep on the couch and Dad is finally feeling some more comfort from the morphine drip.
And me, well I sit here writing this note wondering if this is wildly inappropriate or just fine.
It’s surreal to know how close the end must be and yet to not quite believe it.
Scroll back 49 years and it was just the three of us.
They tell me they put me in front of the television to watch the moon landing, which if I’m not mistaken will celebrate it’s 49th anniversary tomorrow.
In a short time my sister Jennifer will land at LAX and make her way here.
Mindy and Alison will come as will spouses and this quiet will be gone.
It feels like I’m in the front car of a roller coaster going up the hill.
Instead of the clickety-clack of wood and or metal there’s a steady beat from a machine.
There’s no hush from riders preparing to scream with excitement as the cars fly downwards.
Just me sitting here, wondering if maybe I ought to try to catch 40 winks too, assuming it’s possible.
I always thought I would be much older than I am before I had to confront this, but I guess that while I’m not old, I’m not particularly young either.
Middle age, whatever the hell that means is what people would say.
My best guess is I’ll double my age or do better, but I might not.
Life doesn’t tell you these things in advance so it’s possible I have used up 75% of whatever life I have been given.
I don’t want to know if that’s true or false. Just want to live and love hard.
That would work for me.
A Life Time Later
I am sitting at the dining room table having just listened to Cat Stevens sing Father & Son, Knocking On Heavens Door and Hurt.
Got a feeling Monkey B’s older sister will visit here again, probably just wished her a happy birthday. Really not sure why she shows other than she can’t get enough of me. Can’t blame her, I have animal magnetism, probably wants me to feed her a banana.
Commented on a post about Mamdani’s ridiculous online musing about arresting Bibi and have ended up blocking a bunch of people.
That came after I told the denizens of lollipop land that this mutton head has a better shot of being signed as a shooting guard by the Knicks than making this happen.
Told a few others this is more of his unhinged obsession with just one country and asked why he doesn’t talk about Putin or others the same way.
It was a rhetorical question. I don’t expect his fan club to use facts, logic and reason any more than I expect MAGA to do so.
They’re populated by far too many fake humanitarians who claim to love all people while actively working to hurt others.
It’s not made any better by their lack of self awareness regarding their hate. My old man would roll his eyes at some of this and ask me why I waste time on them.
If I pressed him on it he’d say “fuck them” and tell me to get busy on other things. I’d smile and remind him most of this writing is effortless for me.
And then I’d think about whether the quality of the writing reflected the amount of effort I put into it.
It’s an important question because I haven’t been pleased with a bunch of what I have put out recently. I think some of it is pretty raw but not in the vulnerability kind of way.
But you don’t get better at anything without practicing and so that is what some of this is.
Write Without Fear
Been through a bunch of things that make me wonder I have come full circle.
Been through a bunch of things that made me shake my fists in rage at a picture and asked the person in it WTF they think they are doing.
Told they they ought to realize I took the collar and chain off and that if they need something they ought to ask.
Threw another 40 pounds on the bench press and handled it easily. Won’t be long before I am back to where I was prior to surgery.
Asked a bunch of my friends if they can stand on one leg, squat butt to heel and get up and down from the floor without using their hands.
I can do all of it but not as well as I once did so I am focused on improving all of those because these are critical skills to take into the second half of life.
I wrote the words below long ago, somewhere around 2011
People come and go in your life and my life or should I say in our lives. Really I suppose that our lives is the appropriate way to say it even if they are two separate lives because they aren’t quite that. Separated that is. There may not be communication in the traditional sense of the word or even that which others would define as such, but it exists.
Such is the world and the way in which things currently are. People, places and things that cannot be explained with logic or rational thought. Matters that should be dealt with such indifference and candor do not apply to affairs of the heart, not now and not ever. It is part of what frustrates and intrigues us. We wish to engage with those we care most deeply about in an open and forthright manner but sometimes do not.
It is not because of some nefarious purpose or chicanery but because we fear to hurt them or those around them. We worry that revealing our true thoughts might be the source of some great offense and wonder what impact that will have. Life has taught us that good intentions do not always lead to a good outcome and though we try hard to do right by all sometimes it is impossible.
And thus we sometimes find ourselves feeling trapped in situations that we would rather not be in. Frustrated because we cannot follow our true heart and feelings, forced to pretend to be someone we are not when all we want to do is grow to become who we wish to be.
Those around us are unaware of the secrets that we are forced to carry deep inside our hearts and the places that should always be filled with sunshine are sometimes filled with rain. Sometimes the solace that we so desperately seek is not truly hidden or forbidden to us. Rather it is cloaked in a garb that leaves it unrecognizable to us as we are now, but open to discovery at a later date.
“Never let go of anyone that you couldn’t go a day without thinking about. There just might be a very good reason why this person is always on your mind. Sometimes, its the brain that knows too well what the heart tries so hard to deny.”
So there you are standing in the place in which you thought you had left, full circle is what they call it. You look out the window of your heart and see the place that you had started out and wonder how it is that you came to find yourself standing there way back when.
It is strangely familiar and inviting to be there but also disconcerting because you are not who you were when you left. The long journey and experiences you had have changed you in ways that you don’t completely understand. Though you recognize the place and remember the warmth of the sun upon your back you are not sure if you can accept what lies ahead of you.
Others who have stood there before you would say that it is to be expected, this feeling of uncertainty. They’d tell you that if you weren’t nervous or concerned about taking that step they would be worried. Who knew that anxiety would be your friend, but it is.
The little whispers in your ear, the voices that urge caution are proof that you have grown and learned. They bear witness that the scars you wear from your journey are proof that you have done something more than just exist. You have lived and loved. You have bathed in fire and come out the other side.
You smile wistfully at the dramatic nature of the reference to fire, but there is much truth to it. That ring of fire you fell into so long ago never stopped burning. Part of what bothers you is that you believed that once you stepped through you would be able to see clearly what lies ahead. You expect to have gained some prescience that would would allow you to be wise and all knowing.
But that is not how it works. You have gained wisdom and understanding. You know far more than you give yourself credit for and now it is a matter of learning how to trust your gut again. In some ways that is the most important part of the lessons of your journey.
For you full circle means that you have returned to the starting line so that you can make your decisions about the future based upon the learning, guidance, knowledge and understanding that these experiences have provided you with.
There is no magic talisman or panacea that you can use. It is what you always knew would happen, you are the talisman. You are the guardian. It is every trite remark, tired cliche or simple end to the stories you so love. You are the only one that fix what is broken. You know what it is you want and you know who it is you wish to become.
All that remains is to take that last step or is it first step into that place you need to be.
Got a ton of things to do before Sunday evening gets away from me so I’ll leave you with a link to A Better Place to be and promise I have some great stories to tell and am enjoying the hell out of the adventure I find myself in.
Life isn’t boring, that is for sure.
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