I don’t know if my number one fan likes visiting after midnight for any particular reason or if it is the most convenient time.
Can’t say what would have happened if Postsecret had posted any of my secrets and they had seen them. Can’t say lots of things but some people will tell you that you are inextricably linked and then be surprised when leaving means coming back and then leaving and then coming back again.
If I believed in pattern recognition I’d make predictions but I don’t believe in that or anything else. Or maybe I do and I am just massaging the keyboard and messing around with thoughts and ideas for no good reason.
Two people at the office said I am known for being someone who will challenge others but not solely for the purpose of being adversarial.
They said it is clear I like understanding why we’re asked to do some things and that I don’t blindly accept what I am fed.
Can’t say I was disappointed to hear that but I can say I am roiled up about a bunch of things. It is not the people who plan events without concern for whether they are on Jewish holidays.
Nor is it the dopey coffee shop owners who think they can discriminate against Jews and the dopey supporters of those people. Why would I point out that if you substitute ‘Jew’ with Asian/Black/Mexican or any other group that people would find it unacceptable.
Maybe the source of my irritation is that more members of the anti democratic DSA are getting real support.
Or maybe it is something else, could be the music that is fueling my fire and helping to hone a harder edge or maybe it is none of those things.
There are things I would blog about here but some stories aren’t to be shared in this place, there are others.
Fiction Meets Reality
Something I wrote in It’s A Real Life Version Of Let’s Make A Deal wants my attention but I haven’t figured out what.
There is some thought or idea percolating around inside so I tried to pull it out by going back to A Partial Tale of Two Liars.
I had forgotten I had expanded upon it and I had an idea to tie onto the expansion that I have played around with connecting.
But I got distracted by a memory from when I was lying on the bathroom floor and it got me thinking that maybe I had forgotten part of it. That made me ask if I hadn’t forgotten but if I had intentionally blocked it and that sent me down a rabbit hole.
I closed my eyes and tried to walk through everything that happened that night. Pulled apart from the time I realized how serious the bleeding was through the steps I took to try and take control of it.
And somewhere in there I found the memory of feeling helpless in a way I can’t remember feeling. The memory of my body refusing to behave and thinking about how it wasn’t like that time in college where I was too drunk to walk.
Because I knew the problem was I had had too many drinks and that if I waited a bit it would pass.
This was different because I wasn’t sure if there was a full blown mutiny underway. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on.
I don’t ever want to be in that situation again but if I was I think it would be different. I would recognize the moment and pivot faster or so I think.
Side note, someone asked what it felt like when I snapped the tendon in my arm and I told them it didn’t really hurt. Felt a bit like when I dislocated a finger, there was a flash of discomfort and then I felt it swell.
But it didn’t prevent me from standing up and using my right arm to take the weights off and stack them on a rack.
If things happen for a reason I can’t tell you exactly what reason necessitated my experiences. Maybe it was to remind me I am tougher than I thought and to walk taller or maybe it wasn’t.
I Have Lived A Thousand Lives
Jill Smokler died the other day. She was 48 and she died of brain cancer. She was the founder of Scary Mommy and once upon a time she published several of my posts.
Her death made me think of a dozen different things, the people I knew that died from brain tumors, how young they all were and how you never know what can happen.
Her death reminded me again of my own fight with the grim reaper and how things could have easily gone the other way. It would be ridiculous for me to think otherwise and ridiculous for me not to believe that I was always going to beat that guy.
I hold the contradiction in the palm of my hand without effort and acknowledge the truth as I choose to see it.
Hit the Cosm at Grandscape today for the England versus Ghana game and had a wonderful time. It was my first experience there and I am sold on it.
Two more months and I’ll celebrate my 10th anniversary in Texas. Time moves ever so quickly in some areas and so slowly in others.
I have almost completed the Yoga course I purchased and am debating whether I’ll run through it again or if I’ll buy another one. My expectation is I’ll likely buy another one and do the current one again.
I am certainly more flexible than I was but I can improve upon it. Everything I am doing now is to build the foundation for the second half of life.
Had a conversation with a guy at Cosm today about a variety of things and realized in many ways it is fair to say I have lived a thousand lives.
I haven’t done all that I want to do but I have done quite a bit and I am not dead yet, so I have time to do more.
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