Some Choices Aren’t Yours To Make

I am lying on my back pumping 65 pounds on the bench press trying to decide if I feel anything funny in my left arm while debating if I can safely add more weight.

Safety is paramount in my mind as is the need to engage in progressive overload so that I can get myself back to where I feel I ought to be.

There’s no twinge in my arm nor sign of anything that makes think I am overextending my arm so I am tempted to throw another 100 pounds on there.

That is still far less than I was doing pre injury but I am trying to play it safe. I remind myself of the distinction between vanity and sanity.

The mix on my phone rolls from Led Zeppelin to Elvin Bishop’s Fooled Around and Fell in Love and it leads me into a rabbit hole of thoughts and ideas.

It reminds me of a couple of times in which others made decisions that affected my life but chose not to consult me.

Reminds me of how it made me angry, sad and offended that I wasn’t considered important enough to be included in some big decisions.

Got me thinking about how some choices aren’t yours to make can apply in so many ways. But if you don’t care about hurting others it can be easy.

Ghosted & Toasted

I remember looking at my reflection and saying ‘you just got ghosted and toasted my man.’ I remember knowing it was happening before it did but fooling myself into thinking I was imagining it.

I felt like Charlie Brown after Lucy pulled the ball away again at the last minute. Reminded me of Chasing What Is Forbidden and a million other ideas.

There are colleagues who have told me they are impressed by my ability to manage complexity and to overcome huge obstacles and succeed where others don’t.

“You’re a chess player. You see the board, you plan for what is coming and you don’t let hurdles prevent you from getting where you’re going.”

It’s a nice compliment and it’s not inaccurate but they don’t see the number of times I don’t succeed. They don’t know how many times I have tried and failed.

But they do know fear of failure is unlikely to deter me and that I keep going. They don’t know about the frustration and pain or the fear that sometimes comes along with it.

They don’t know the times where the guy in the mirror says ‘you’re too smart to fall for that again and too stupid to give up.’

The ability to take a beating isn’t a sign that one should take one, but I have done so more than once. I have the scars to prove it and I hope the wisdom that comes alongside of it.

What Do You Want

Sometimes I look at those four words and add a question mark and sometimes a period. It is a utilitarian phrase for me.

During one of my visits to the hematologist they suggested I do some genetic testing. Initially I didn’t want to but I was convinced to do otherwise and was surprised when they said I had a 70 percent chance of developing colon cancer.

I got the news while sitting in a hotel room in Austin and listened to the recommendation to move up my next colonoscopy from ’28 to ’27.

My GI just gave me one last year. They found a few polyps, but they were all benign.

Thought back to lying on the bathroom floor bleeding out and the moment I decided death wasn’t going to have me. Started to gear up for battle because I was determined to make this 70 percent chance into something less.

But still I thought, “what if this does shorten your lifespan. What do you want? What will you do with your time and how will you choose to live.”

Ten or fifteen minutes after I got the initial call I got a follow up and an apology. They made a mistake, I only have a 5-10% chance of colon cancer. I thanked them, looked at my reflection and said ‘you don’t have that BRCA gene either, but you still need to focus more closely on building for the second half of life.

****

That Marcus Aurelius quote has stuck with me for years. There are people who I never expected to meet who came into my life and changed things. People who were the equivalent of tsunamis, forest fires and earthquakes.

But they were also like comets that lit up the sky, the most beautiful sunrises and the brightest stars in the sky.

You could argue they brought tremendous pain and you could say they brought immense joy. The last time they emulated a comet I suggested they reconsider because I might decide I was willing to walk. I might say the pattern of connection, disconnection and reunion was ended because I would make the choice I was never given.

They did their thing and I let go, washed my hands of it all and said I was truly done. I set about on the hero’s journey and focused on other things.

****

A friend from my high school trip to Israel was abused by her husband. It happened many years ago. We lived across the country from each other and weren’t in contact so I had no idea any of this was happening.

Her experience came up a while back and someone else said, “I know you’d get involved in trying to help. If you knew any of your friends or ex girlfriends were being hurt, you’d still step in. Even the ones who hurt you.”

I nodded my head and said probably and added I hoped it wasn’t ever a thing for any of them. I couldn’t just look away.

****

Sometimes I think about whether I should look at my life as having gotten a second chance. Sometimes I ask the really hard questions that you don’t voice aloud and consider what direction my north star is in.

I think about Marcus Aurelius and accept we’re bound to some people but make no promises to connect or refuse to connect with them.

Not because I am incapable of making decisions but because I don’t need to make choices about things that aren’t in front of me and have no reason to believe they shall be.

But I also look back upon the changes I accepted 13 years ago, those that came four years ago and those that came during the last eight months.

I continue to be the captain of my ship and to sail through the calm and the stormy seas as I choose to do. I accept the ability to make choices and to change my mind.

I accept that others may do so too and that my irritation and unhappiness with a lack of consultation is a part of life.

I don’t know exactly where life will take me other than to say I choose to be an active participant in it and to enjoy the adventure.

Tomorrow marks infusion number five and Tuesday will be my next test. We shall see what happens but for the moment I can promise the Malach HaMavet there are other people to go visit.

It is not my time, not today nor tomorrow. There is much to be done.

I have plans.