Maybe I Have Reached The Crossroads

I am still thinking about whether I reached the crossroads last October or if I am on my way now. Maybe it is time to sing with Don.

I’ve got nothing on my mind,
Nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
And I’ve got nothing to regret.
But I’m all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I’ve got,
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be
I’m not
anymore.

You know I’ve heard about people like me
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.
But there’s no need for turning back
Cause all roads lead to where I stand;
And I believe I’ll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

It hits me different than it did before the Angel of Death and I went 12 rounds last October. Some people tell me I survived because it wasn’t my time and some say it is because I planted my feet and refused to go.

A few months ago nature woke me in the middle of the night and I stood in the dark in the bathroom and was hit by the memory of lying on the floor.

It came with the full force of remembering that I knew I was dying. Came with the feeling I had when I sent my thought out and asked my Dad to help me.

Been doing that at the gym for years now, when I feel my muscles burning and need to get one more set or one more set in it is not uncommon for me to silently tell him to help me get through it.

Probably comes from when I was little and I would sometimes ask him to help me lift or move something heavy.

It’s interesting to me that when I asked for his help it materialized as him and my grandfathers standing on the other side of the door.

Sometimes when I think about it I remember being a little boy and thinking that whenever I saw the men in my family together I needed to be a part of it.

You could argue that his refusal to cross through was his reaching across the planes to protect me one last time. You could argue that he knew how angry I would be at being thwarted and that would give me the adrenaline surge to get off of the floor.

I needed it because I have never done anything that was physically harder than that.

I Am Not Right But I Am Not Wrong Either

I haven’t felt quite right since before the surgery that led to all of this crap. Got close to getting back to it and then I tore that tendon.

That was a much bigger setback than I wanted or needed. If you told me I howled with frustration I might believe you.

I am tired of doctors. I am tired of waves of fatigue washing over me and the thousand cuts, bruises and bumps in the road.

But if you have watched my Instagram stories you know I am focused on doing more than just getting back to where I was. I am determined to get beyond it and I will.

Grandpa Wilner used to say that death might not be so bad because no one comes back from it. He used to say that he didn’t fear it, he just hoped it didn’t hurt.

If he were here I’d tell him it didn’t and that I am back.

I tore that tendon in my left arm because I hit the weights with a vengeance and with purpose. I close my eyes and go searching for the guy I remember I was and get lost in the adrenaline surge.

Hit the joint again today and started with Johnny singing God’s Going To Cut You Down and Ring of Fire.

Moved through Silver Springs to Don’t Answer Me and then I was singing along with Subliminal’s Avinu and remember someone asking me to justify the video for Zeh Aleinu.

I told them I don’t agree with his politics but that I wasn’t going to engage in a conversation about the video.

Not because I can’t discuss in it in detail but I am not interested in the morally bankrupt, the intellectually dishonest and the poorly educated TikTok graduates.

There is a reason why I am politically homeless and why I don’t trust either party to do right by my people.

I am not here to be a pawn or tool to be used when it is politically expedient. I get fired up at the thought of how few understand that information is not knowledge.

The denizens of lollipop land have felt my ire and distaste for being lectured by people who can’t tie their velcro shoes.

Sometimes there aren’t enough crayons to educate people who are too arrogant to recognize they live in echo chambers of ignorance.

We All Have A Part To Play

In so many ways I am more myself than I have been in years. I worked very hard to get to where I am at and have a host of accomplishments I am very proud of that outshine multiple failures.

I know from experience that if you punch me in the mouth I will wipe off my lip and keep going. There are people I have cut out of my life and people who have cut me out of theirs.

Some of those were very painful moments but I am grateful because the experiences led me to where I am.

Experience is why I don’t say that some are gone forever because people plan on G-d laughs. You never know what lies around the bend and when you have been through a few things sometimes your perspective on things change.

Mine certainly has, I find myself far more tolerant of some stuff and intolerant of others.

I have been reminded of the importance of giving people some grace and remembering you never know what battles a person may be fighting.

There may be good reason to sit and listen.

****

But I don’t listen to the Jew haters. I don’t try to explain why some things are, provide historical context or apologize to people who make excuses for those who would hurt my family and friends.

I don’t look for explanations or apologies from those I once stood with who didn’t provide the same friendship and support.

They have made their position clear and I understand we live in a post October 7 world. Sometimes I miss the way things were before that but most days I don’t waste time on such things.

That is over.

I am focused on however long I have. Live hard and love hard is the focus, life is sweet and there is much to do.

Maybe I have a year and maybe I have 50. I am working towards the latter with the knowledge that sometimes life surprises you.

But October taught me that even bad surprises aren’t slated to end badly. One day the Malach of Hamavet will catch me, but that day is unknown and should he come again I still have a couple more cards to play.

“No one you have been and no place you have gone ever leaves you. The new parts of you simply jump in the car and go along for the rest of the ride. The success of your journey and your destination all depend on who’s driving.”
― Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run

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