You’re Not Afraid Of Anyone

A work colleague approached me with a request for some advice and guidance but it doesn’t take long for me to suss out the real reason.

“You’re angry and you want me to run up the hill for you.”

They smile and say it’s not really like that.

I smile back and say it is exactly like that.

“Josh, you’re not afraid of anyone and you’re good at presenting a business case.”

Their comment about me not being afraid of anyone sends me back in time to my father’s retirement party.

It’s a comment one of dad’s colleagues makes to me. “Your father isn’t afraid of anyone.”

There is more to the story than that line, there is substance to it but that is a different discussion.

It does send me back to a couple of past posts because there is an echo in my head that makes me search for a connection. I read the first line in the one and try to see if that connects the dots for me.

“If I write about the junior college math professor who had a face that looked Droopy the cartoon dog and a skeletal body you might wonder if there is a story you missed.”

The answer is nope and then I head to another with a similar opening:

“That story didn’t take place on Hampshire Road nor did it involve a junior college math professor who looked like a undernourished Herman Munster.”

That isn’t it either.

Then it hits me, it is tied to a post where I wrote “I grieved, I mourned and I let go.”

Anger Is The Thief Of Joy

My colleague watches me take a deep sip of coffee and asks how I remain so calm. “You go silent for extended periods and it sure looks like nothing rattles you.”

I tell them there are lots of things that have rattled my cage and it’s false to say I never get angry.

“Those who know me well will tell you the fire burns bright. I get upset just like anyone else. And yes, I am very comfortable with silence, the older I get the easier it is to sit with it. Not everything merits a response or conversation.

Don’t ask me to run up the hill unless you have a solution to a problem. Whining doesn’t help anything.

****

That night in October changed me in some ways. It softened some parts and hardened others. I think about that moment when I saw my father and grandfather on the other side of the door and how hard I fought to open it.

Sometimes I wonder if more happened and that I don’t remember it. Sometimes I wonder if I was gifted knowledge that I’ll need at some point in time. I can’t remember if that happened but I like the idea.

I feel like I approached the crossroads but I am not sure if I walked across them in October or if perhaps I am just arriving.

It feels like big things are on the verge of happening. I hear myself saying to people to pay attention to those you can’t live without and those you can’t stay angry with.

I hear myself talking about how things change and sometimes everything you think you know gets turned around and you’re not sure if you are standing on the ceiling or floating through the air.

This moment I am in is a time in which I walking through the mystery but I am doing it with supreme confidence. I don’t know exactly where I am going or precisely what the end looks like.

But I know I have got this and that whatever happens is going to be ok. Doesn’t mean it won’t be hard or that there won’t be moments of uncertainty because that is life.

But it doesn’t mean I am not prepared to handle what comes or equipped to manage it because I absolutely am.

I am a storm walker who knows how to dance in the fire and not burn.

The Joy Of Insurance

I had an endoscopy a short while ago so my GI could check a few things out. Another angle at my liver and another chance to try and figure out why I am bleeding.

I told him that if he wishes to continue to be intimate with me I expect him to take me out to dinner.

He laughed and said he appreciates my sense of humor. I said he ought to give me a shot to stick an auger up his rear with a camera attached to it and we’d be even.

He laughed at that too.

The endoscopy didn’t give the details we wanted so we’re waiting for insurance to approve one more procedure.  A capsule gets to take a fantastic voyage through my body to see if maybe it captures data not seen.

I hope it does because I am tired of all this medical crap. The warranty isn’t expired on this body and if I can pull myself off of the floor after losing almost half my blood I can do this too.

Got more trips to Austin, Houston and assorted other parts and places coming up. Hopefully I won’t find myself standing in another hotel lobby thinking I don’t feel safe like I did on a recent trip.

That was a different sort of thing. Sometimes I don’t particularly like the place I am at, but I have never worried about my safety.

I am good at listening to my gut so I got out of there. It is hard to fight with one arm and I was barely out of the brace.

Can’t say I want to fight now, but I feel better because the arm is much further along and we’re getting close to the time when the bionics will be fully welded.

Life has had a few rough spots since last October but I really think a corner has been turned and that there is ample reason for optimism in lots of areas.

I am ready for whatever is coming and something is absolutely coming.