How Many People Need To Know You Almost Died?

Some people haven’t figured out or don’t know me well enough to know what can happen when you ask a question like that.

I could tell them to go read one of these posts listed below and then write a 5 paragraph essay critiquing my work.

• Four Days In A Hospital Part III
• Mostly Dead Is Slightly Alive
• Four Days In A Hospital Part II
• Death Didn’t Seem Painful
• A Four Day Hospital Adventure
• Or I could share the words of my dear departed cousin Allan Woloshin who said:

Ummm… guys like that aren’t always dangerous, but you can’t tell. Safest thing to do is pretend you’re invisible.

His comment came in reference to the story below which I shared on Facebook some years ago:

Let’s say the extra large cup of coffee you drank early in the morning “encourages” you to find “refuge” in public and that you find “sanctuary” at a local shopping establishment whose name rhymes with Shmarget.

While occupied in your stall you discover you are the captive audience to a man who begins singing songs like “Let It Go” and “Shake it Off.”

Do you join in and sing along?

Do you wonder if there are cameras and microphones in there and worry that Alan Funt’s head is going to suddenly appear under your stall door?

When the aforementioned man yells “bombs away” do you ignore his presence or tell him you prefer to take care of your business with more decorum and quiet and ask him to be quiet?

If he should mumble something about never eating spicy Indian food again do you ask him if he got the Chicken Vindaloo or continue to pretend you are not trapped inside the bathroom with some crazy guy?

Hypothetically speaking what would you do if a pine cone suddenly appears in your stall and you hear him say “save a tree, go green and save the environment.”

Would it be made any more uncomfortable if he started crying and you heard him swear he will never eat Legos again because there are better ways to get more fiber in your diet?

And would all this make you wonder how you became a magnet for crackpots, weirdos and the mentally unhinged.

Before we go on we have a mandated break for Willie Nelson.

And yes, I did consider going with Always On My Mind, but I didn’t and it is not because I almost died. Oh wait, did I say it again.

Well let me reiterate the other thing I have said multiple times, the converse of almost dying is I didn’t. That reminds me that I didn’t get any taller, wasn’t given Adamantium or Vibranium in the hospital either.

But I did tell one of my nurses that I tried to Macgyver the bleeding into stopping but was thwarted by not having a banana, cork or staples handy.

She didn’t catch that reference anymore than when I stood in front of window with my arms outstretched, eyes closed while I bathed in sunlight.

“Look Jackie, I am making like Kal-El, the sun shall restore all of my powers.”

She told me she didn’t know who or what Kal-El was and so I decided to resume our walk. She had a belt tied around me that is designed to help the nurses keep patients from falling.

I gave two solid steps and she told me to slow down and not pull upon it. I turned my head, smiled at her and said whenever I am on a leash I am obliged to demonstrate I can exert more force than our canine friends.

She smiled at me and asked if I am always difficult. I told her if I don’t give people a hard time it is probably because I dislike them.

I flashed her a broad grin and she told me that my smile looked like I was about to get into trouble. I snorted and silently laughed because friends and family have always told me that smile makes them wonder what I am about to get into.

You’re A Genocide Apologist

Got a good laugh today when a fool on Facebook called me a genocide apologist. I gave him my standard answer of him not being able to articulate what genocide is nor use fact to support it.

He wasn’t the first nor the last to think they got me with that particular zinger. It’s part of what happens when you live in an echo chamber of ignorance and don’t take the time to determine if the information you are being fed is factual because it fits your preconceived political narrative.

The sad thing about the people pushing the blood libel and the ridiculous accusations is many of them are the same people who think MAGA members who say J6 was peaceful are ridiculous. They’ll attack MAGA as being poorly educated and uninformed yet lack the self awareness to see their own hypocrisy.

A few have tried to follow up on their silly name calling by accusing me of being MAGA. That is always a good laugh on my part because if they really knew me they’d know it is not an accurate descriptor.

But again, they are not interested in reality, just what fits their preconceived political narrative which I suppose describes a good part of the country.

When you consider yourself politically homeless as I have for over a decade you loosen the bonds of voting solely on tribalism and spend more time looking at issues.

Given my utter disdain for the current administration and my irritation with the left who somehow were fully unprepared for 47’s assault on democracy and Project 2025 I am extra irritated.

It’s not like he didn’t tell everyone what he planned on doing. They had ample time to plan and prepare a “just in case” plan but failed to do so.

Circle back to my recent ride on Mr. Toad’s magical medical adventure and if I didn’t have health insurance I would be thoroughly screwed now.

Hell, this happened to be a year in which I had a few medically necessary but still elective procedures which meant by the time I got to enjoy the worst AirBNB I can think of I didn’t come out in significant debt.

The Silly & The Sublime

Some of the halfwits, nitwits and dimwits have cried out to the powers that be about me. They have accused me of being mean, nasty, unfair and insouciant.

I plead guilty to the final charge and ask that my accusers be granted a chance to prove they are not witches or warlocks by being defenestrated..

If they fly we’ll know they were correct and if they plummet to the earth from that sixth floor book depository window we’ll know they’re crazy conspiracy theorists who can’t create a coherent fact based argument.

In the interim you may think upon the words you read here and determine if it was a good use of your time or if you ought to have done something more productive with it.

Either way I guarantee some of you will have finally engaged your brain in a useful activity and promise you the smoke you smell coming from between your ears is a good thing.

It means you’re still alive and your melon might actually be used for more than scrolling aimlessly through the inanity of social media posts.

And with that I bid you adieu and a fond farewell, unless we don’t like each other. If it is the latter know that I am smiling knowing I own free rent inside your head. 🙂