Been sifting through old posts and came across one I wrote when I first got to Texas and thought I’d share part of it.
It is not a game, a joke or a fabrication of any sort.
I am here.
Call it thirty minutes or so by freeway–a whole world closer than the airplane ride it used to require to turn telephone calls into face -to-face.
This is home now. This is where I live and where I work.
Everything has changed and nothing has changed.
There is a fog obscuring the view and my perspective is blurred and my head uncertain.
So I stand in the shadows where I can observe and wait because even though I might be interested in pushing ahead and rushing to see what might or might not be, I don’t have to run.
Don’t have to because I live here and I don’t know that running would make any sort of sense.
Hell, most things don’t make sense so I let them unfold as they will.
Remember Who I Was, Remember Who We Were
I remember standing in my apartment in Fort Worth staring at my reflection while I tried to figure out who it was I was looking at in the mirror. He was familiar but he was different and I thought about the things that had changed me.
But it wasn’t until I stood in a different apartment in Grapevine that I muttered those six words above.
Sat outside on a balcony smoking a cigar one night thinking about my grandfathers and times long since gone not realizing in some ways I wasn’t just connecting with the past but with the future.
Almost a decade later I can hear the echoes of the past in the present and see the reflection of who I was staring back at me.
“I said the words and started the process. The deed isn’t quite done yet but it will be and then we’ll see if there is an intersection between wishes, promises and destiny.”
****
Tomorrow I have to call the doc’s office because he wants my liver to be scanned. I asked if they were looking for a hemangioma, fibrosis or chopped but they didn’t react. I am not sure if they know what chopped liver is and that is ok.
I finally got serious about putting in more time on the cardio side and am averaging just under 8000 steps a day and am looking to increase that.
When truly motivated I am capable of moving heaven and earth and that is part of what is going on now.
My body aches and I think about whether I ought to give myself some recovery time but I find it hard because I see the changes beginning and am reluctant to slow things down.
****
I accidentally called my father’s old cellphone number today and received a message from Verizon saying the number was no longer in service.
Wasn’t surprised because he died 6.5 years ago but it still made me smile because I felt like it was a sign that he knew what I was doing now.
It would be nice if he were here because I would have told him that I have started things and waited for his opinion knowing exactly what he would say.
“I can’t tell you what to do, it is your life.”
I would have smiled and nodded my head, “It is.”
There are moments where you make choices based upon the best data you have knowing it is impossible to know whether you are making a good decision or not without actually doing it.
So I looked up at the sky and said “I have got this Dad, thanks for checking in. I’ll make it all work.”
I Know What I Want & Who I Am
I wrote about some of this elsewhere because I had to get it out. Had to put it down to make sure it was real and that I understood what I was doing.
Knew that saying the words would be different too and so I found confirmed. I think it is part of why sleep has been so troubled for a while now.
Had multiple dreams in which I was fighting people or struggling to free myself from the shackles with which I had been bound.
Reminded me a bit of that First Flight scene from Man of Steel.
Finally accepted that I might actually be middle aged now and it is time to make the hard choices about how I want to live during this second half of life.
Lao Tzu is correct, I know what I want and who I am. I also know I haven’t reached my full potential some areas and it is time stretch and see where that leads.
There is truth that there is some fear and anxiety connected because of the unknown but there is also truth there is an excitement and buzz connected to this I haven’t felt since I was 25.
I am ready for it.
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