I thought about writing a second part to 500 Things You Learn In Therapy & From Blogging just as I did with those posts about the Hero’s journey and then I got sidetracked by a Gordon Lightfoot song.
It reminded me of a conversation I had with my now 24 year-old son that I’ll share below:
“Dad, I just realized what motherfucker means and I am traumatized.”
“Good use of traumatized sonny, isn’t 8th grade a wonderful time of your life.”
“No, I just realized what you and mom did.”
“If I was you I would bleach my eyes and bang my head against the wall.”
“What kind of advice is that? Do you want me to hurt myself?”
“The ER is cheaper than therapy.”
“Ha ha dad. I am not going to hurt myself.”
“Good, do yourself a favor and try not to bring this conversation up with mom. She won’t find the term very romantic.”
“That is good, I don’t find it particularly romantic either.”
“And now you know why we were smart not to name you Oedipus.”
Everything Has A Lifespan
When the children were little and first began to encounter death I had conversations with them about how everything has a lifespan.
Today we revisited the conversation for the first time in years and discussed how everything having a lifespan includes relationships and some of how that might look in real time.
Midway through the one with my daughter I realized I was expressing parts of it the same way my father would have and a wry smile came across my face.
My daughter didn’t catch any hint of it in my voice and I didn’t tell her about it because it wouldn’t have added anything.
But I remembered multiple conversations with him and heard him call me “Joshua Daniel” and remembered that my father could be a man with a very hard edge.
During my last visit to his grave I told him I had inherited it and that I understood sometimes it is required along with his, “life’s rough all over.”
If you heard that you knew the conversation had reached the place where there was no coddling or solace to be given because there are hard moments you can’t get away from.
I told Dad I understood it and that I wasn’t afraid to do what I had to do even if it was hard. Put my ear to the dirt to see if he would knock on that wooden coffin to give me affirmation but it never came.
Laughed because if he could be heard he would told me I didn’t need it because I already knew what needed to be done.
He is correct, but it wouldn’t bother me if I did hear him say something. I don’t need the validation but I wouldn’t complain either.
I have enough accomplishments that I don’t need to prove I am my own man. That was the other thing that came up in a discussion with my son.
“You and I are similar enough you’ll be irritated if I disagree with you on some things but eventually the level of irritation changes. Can’t say when that will be but it will happen when you are certain you are your own man.
Don’t worry about rushing towards that, it will happen just as fast regardless.”
Decisions and Dilemmas
I love the video above. It appeared in the 58th Berlin Film Festival in 2008 when I was all of 39 years old which is only important in that I thought that turning 40 would be big.
Wasn’t sure exactly what would happen, but I had this feeling that 40 was going to be life changing and in some ways it was but mostly not how I wanted it to be.
There is a chunk of my forties I’d happily forget because it was all decisions and dilemmas. Far too many moments were things of real significance and held massive import.
Far too many felt like the weight of the world rested upon my shoulders and I often wondered how I’d get through it.
When some of you ask me why I am so certain we’ll get through this time of Felonius Trump and his band of dolts, dunces and dummies it is because of then.
Because I walked through covered in gasoline and I survived. That was enough for me to recognize I figure out how to pass the tests and challenges presented before me.
I knew it before, but that life experience cemented it for me.
It is why I didn’t flip out when the doc’s office said I need this liver scan and why I didn’t flip out when the cardiologist checked out my heart.
Most of that news has been relatively good. Could I be in better health?
Yes, am I in really bad shape and likely to die soon? Nope.
It is not impossible but it is not probable. I am a hair short of 10,000 steps today and expect to hit that again tomorrow.
The old Apple Watch metrics say lots of things have improved and that makes me smile. And yeah I know some of you will say the accuracy there may be off and I am ok with that.
Half the battle is what you think and feel, and if not half than it is some kind of number that I am good with.
Because in many areas if you believe you can than you will.
I set out several goals labor day weekend and I am closing in on every one of them. It is all about leveling up your game.
That is part of why I have been pumping out larger amounts of content again, it is part of the process and a way I hold myself accountable.
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