I’ll Drive Myself To The Hospital

Yesterday I shared word about having told a doctor and nurse about a procedure that makes me nervous.

During a prior visit I told them about having dislocated several fingers and how I tried to pop them back into place on my own.

It wasn’t to present myself as a tough guy. I told them right away I had no interest in that. Every colonoscopy I tell the knock out doc that I am too old to feel a need to prove I am tough.

“I am ready for my nap, how fast can you put me out.”

That has become my go-to line and since I have another one coming up in the Fall I’ll use it again. I’ll probably send the insurance company another strongly worded letter about my irritation with being charged for trying to engage in preventative medicine.

Had an exchange recently where someone asked why I was speaking as I was and I told them I make things happen.

“If it gets my attention chances are I’ll try to make something happen. Can’t just dance in the fire, sometimes you have to try to climb out.”

Your Father Isn’t Scared Of Anyone Or Anything

One of my father’s coworkers shared that with me at Dad’s retirement party and said it again at his funeral.

He believed it and for a while I did too, but I got a little more life experience and began to understand some of it differently.

I write this more for my children who have said they sometimes have been cautious about telling me about things that have happened to them because of concern regarding my response.

They have heard me respond more than once that I rarely act in those moments without having considered my actions in advance. No need to create more trouble or to make a situation worse.

Now I remind them, “I make things happen” because I do. I told my daughter that the women in my life know that if a man is messing with them I am someone they can call.

I remember some names and faces better than I ought to, but that doesn’t relate to the comment about my father and fear or my understanding.

Sometimes what drives action is fear.

I learned what Teddy means about finding strength to keep going. I am sure my old man did too.

Time and experience helped me reframe what I saw as his anger at my actions to his concern over circumstances and situations I had put myself in.

A while back my son accused me of doing a very good job at laying on the guilt and I snorted because I heard me yelling at my father.

Told the younger Mr. Wilner I would try to adjust my response and replies as best I could and then said he ought to blame his grandfather.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard Dad telling me that blaming him wasn’t taking accountability for my actions and I shushed the echo.

“It is not, but you can suck it up and accept I was well trained in some areas.”

That made me laugh because I have been told more than once I don’t listen well. Those who have said it are wrong, I heard what they said and chose to ignore it.

Sometimes that worked to my benefit and sometimes to my detriment.

Some might argue I don’t fear making mistakes enough. They can go sit on a bench with those who say I fear it too much, don’t have time to reply every last thing.

I broke a few things before and I’ll break some more as I go. If things go well I’ll help rebuilt it back better than before.

Reflections Of My Life

There was a moment in 2013 when I stopped to smell the roses and consider the steps I had taken. I was coming off of a challenging time and I had just proven that I wasn’t crazy about some ideas and feelings I had.

I remember thinking it could be a time to walk away and say I had scratched enough of the itch to be ok.

That didn’t make sense to me. It felt like walking into the entrance of a cave because I had seen signs of gold but refusing to go deeper.

Deeper might mean more work and more challenges. Might mean encountering things that would be difficult but overcoming those challenges might yield bigger rewards.

Sometimes you try to measure the weight of your actions by touch and feel rather than by an actual scale because there isn’t a proper tool for doing so.

Life made some of those choices for me so I marked the cave entrance on a mental map and got moving. My gut said there would likely be a chance to explore down the road.

Wasn’t sure how or when, but I make things happen and I figured I just might find out.

That is a lifetime ago now and sometimes I don’t recognize the face in the mirror. But that twinkle in the eyes and the voice bring some of it back.

Maybe I am not who I once was and maybe the cave doesn’t contain any treasure now.

But not being who I once was isn’t a bad thing and not knowing about the cave means adventure and opportunity might exist…

Maybe.

*****

Had a conversation with the younger Mr. Wilner and when he asked me what I would do regarding certain things I said “I’ll drive myself to the hospital. I did it when I dislocated my finger and when I got the flu. I was living here by myself. Didn’t have time to wallow, it just had to get done.”

He isn’t a wallower and neither is his sister but I am sometimes guilty of spitting out words with a little more edge than I ought to.

I call that my ‘inner Orrie.”

Makes me laugh, Dad would roll his eyes at that which makes me laugh again. I miss giving him a hard time.