I had a dream about a moment from my apartment in Fort Worth and woke up knowing it wasn’t real but feeling like it had been.
I could smell, touch and taste it all and so I lay in bed for a moment with my eyes closed considering whether it was just memory, wishful thinking or a sign of the future.
My dreams have been on fire this week primarily because I have leaned into a few things and it has occupied my thoughts.
Told myself two days ago that giving into fear cannot be justified or rationalized. It came about because I had a dream in which something was chasing me and I kept trying to get away.
It felt like the smarter move but it made me angry and I got tired of running so I turned to face it not knowing what would happen but certain I had to.
Can’t tell you what happened because I don’t remember. Want to say I slew the dragon, got the girl, the car, the castle and every wish I ever made.
It is a story I could write but I don’t remember so I decided to just let it be. Sometimes filling in the blanks isn’t helpful, sometimes it is best to just let memory flow if and when it chooses to.
****
My hand slipped on the bar today and for a moment I thought I might drop the bar upon my chest or neck.
It didn’t happen and for a moment I thought about a comment I heard my dad and grandfathers say about old fighters.
“Power is the last thing to go.”
Snorted as I put the bar back on the rack and reminded myself to be careful, “don’t drop the bar upon your neck, takes longer to heal now.”
A few of us swapped silly things we have said during work calls or at the office.
They included ending work calls with “I love you,” “Step into my arms, er office” and “you smell like my grandmother.”
I think my favorite was the latter especially since the guy who shared it said it happened with a woman who looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey show and was an awful person.
Call me mean or obnoxious if you wish but that made me chuckle and sometimes we need some of that.
Something about that prior line reminds me of when my Uncle Mark told me he was going to say something I might not like hearing.
I was just short of 25 when he died so we didn’t have a ton of years together in which I was a grown up so it sticks out for a host of reasons.
The main is I rarely saw him do or say things in which he reminded me so much of my father or grandfather. They all had their similarities but my uncle didn’t have children or anywhere near the responsibilities as dad or grandpa.
My experience with him was he was generally lighter and more playful. I understood it then but I understand it even better now.
Sometimes when I speak with people who don’t have children and they complain about how hard life is I try not to roll my eyes.
I chose to be a father and I love it. There has never been a second where I thought I made a mistake.
But there have been plenty where I have questioned myself about choices and played chess in my head about the best moves to make.
When you say you might need another year or two before you can retire or talk about going to Europe for month in the summer and the islands for a couple of weeks in the winter I nod and smile.
I am not jealous, I chose to be in this position but I am not particularly sympathetic about how hard it is because of your dogs.
****
There is an almost 20 year-old woman sitting 30 feet to my right. She just finished making Hamantaschen to bring back to school tomorrow at the end of her spring break.
She and I have spoken several times this week about choices and opportunities.
I told her it is hard to have certainty on some and that sometimes we make decisions that impact a few years and sometimes decades.
“I made some choices when you and your brother were little that I might have done differently if I could do them over.
Some of them prevented me from exploring things I had interest in until now and in some ways life is very different than it was.
Is it better or worse?
I don’t know, can’t say, got some ideas. But I also know I can still go after some so we are not always painted into corners. Sometimes the easiest way to see in the dark is to turn on the light.”
It probably sounded hokey, but I have learned it to be true.
And given some things that have happened during the last couple of years my eyes have been opened about some stuff.
That carousel pony I have been riding around doesn’t go in a typical circle. There are some figure eights and squiggles so I can’t always guarantee some things will intersect so I have to be prepared to jump off and take some chances.
I can always climb back on it again down the road but the things I pass may not be there later or maybe they will be.
Time will tell.
