The woman tells me I provided too many details and that I should just answer the question instead of ‘mansplaining.’
I roll my eyes from across my keyboard and say you can’t do advanced math without understanding the basics. “We live in an instant gratification time but not all questions can be answered appropriately with a sentence or two.”
There is more but it is not worth sharing here because some online battles are ridiculous but I can flesh the general concept out for you.
A friend who knows very little about Gaza other than what they have seen in the news asked me to provide an explanation.
“At a minimum it is about a 20 year story but you can go much deeper than that. For simplicity we’ll take on the 20 years and see what questions you do or do not have afterwards.”
So I provide the overview of Israel pulling out of Gaza and how Hamas came to power. I add in some color and facts about their charter and the billions of dollars in aid they could have spent on building infrastructure but instead spent on war.
He asks me if my feelings have changed over time and I sort of nod my head and shrug my shoulders.
“Yes and no. I am not who I was 20 years ago. I expect that some people who knew me then might recognize me, but there are big parts they don’t know. I expect that is normal.”
There are posts there that reference and discuss a large chunk time I think of as having been pretty hellish and more than a little challenging.
I intentionally don’t go into specifics because few of you would be interested and I lack interest or need in sharing it with most of you.
It was a time I went through primarily on my own and even if some had held out their hands very few could have done anything. It was just one of those things.
The purpose of mentioning it isn’t to invite questions, shame people or encourage conversation about it. It is to memorialize it for myself to serve as a reminder to me of the importance of speaking my mind.
Those who know me well may think of that as being funny because I am not afraid to say hard things, I am really not.
But I have been reluctant sometimes because I figured there would be a better time, a more appropriate time, a more likely to get a positive answer time.
Inevitably I have almost always found there isn’t ever a perfect time to speak. There are some moments that are absolutely the wrong time, but that perfect moment is rare, so rare you sometimes have to just go for it.
And every time I have gone for it I have felt better because I wasn’t holding onto something that was poisoning me.
I didn’t get the exact answer I hoped for each time and in some cases I didn’t get anything definitive but I felt better even in the midst of ambiguity.
Why?
Because I took control of my destiny as best I could.
This week reminded me of the importance of doing that in a few different areas. In a week myself and so many others think of us as having been traumatic that little bit attempt at control is important.
****
Can’t tell you how many people have told me life has forever changed after this week and they are trying to figure out the who, what, how and why part.
I am still working on that one myself. It is why I told the younger Mr. Wilner that I was going to take some action in certain areas and that I wasn’t going to paint myself or others into corners.
“Sometimes you have to take in information and sit with it so that you can process it and figure out how to live with it.
I have trained myself to try not to answer or respond to everything that makes my blood boil, hair stand on my neck or makes me catch my breath.
Sometimes I fail to do that, but when I don’t I usually avoid burning bridges I might not want to burn. We can’t control others, we can only control ourselves or at least try to.”
One of the things I appreciate about the younger Mr. Wilner is he is very in tune with his thoughts and feelings about various situations. That can be tough and there are definitely times when I need a moment to figure it out, but I have gotten better at it.
Anyhoo, we dug into a particular situation he has been working on for a while and I asked him to explain to me what had changed.
“Nothing has changed yet. I am really frustrated.”
I smiled at him and told him I understood the frustration and explained how his grandfather sometimes made me crazy during similar discussions.
“You didn’t get a no and you didn’t get a yes. You got a ‘you’re not a priority’ now and need to go live your life. Do what you have to do, focus on you and maybe you’ll get surprised and get the answer you want down the road. Or maybe you won’t.
One of the best life lessons I have learned is how to live with and in ambiguity.”
It is a conversation I have had with other people more than once. It is tied into questions about when might we retire, will we ever get married/divorced or will we live in a particular house/city/state forever.
The answer to much if not most is “I don’t know.”
I never planned on moving to Texas but I had planned on moving to Israel. I never planned on selling the house when I did or going into a new line of work, but I did.
Didn’t plan on the impact of 9/11, the pandemic or expect that massive pogrom in Israel would come and or impact life.
Never expected to be in riots or evacuated from a forest fire but all that happened too.
Ask me what I think will happen in some areas and I’ll tell you but if things go differently, well I don’t know that I will be surprised by those either.
Easier to live with and in ambiguity and take life as it comes and guide your ship where and when you can.
