It is a tale of two people and how some respond to their presence in person, online or via the phone.
One tries to vent to me and I struggle to pretend to be interested and invested in what is being shared. The string between the tomato cans is frayed and covered in places with electrical wire.
At the other end of the spectrum is the one with the shiny cord that has had kinks in it and at times had its own technical difficulties but it always is restored.
Whether that is magic, fate or just because it is better made can be debated but ultimately I am far more engaged with what I hear and interested in what is shared.
Sometimes during moments of introspection I recognize elements of my father in my response. If I am involved in something than it can be very tough to get me to refocus.
I don’t hide it well, that lack of interest and or the impatience with being pulled off of task.
It is not because I cannot multitask but because I choose not to. If I focus I can often finish faster than expected and with fewer errors.
It comes down to measuring twice and cutting once.
I Don’t Offer To Listen Often
I am hard to pin down and I don’t offer to listen often. It is not unusual for me to hear a story and wonder why someone did something so profoundly silly with no expectation of the consequences.
Nor is it unusual for me to share a word or look that expresses that. But I try to focus on being compassionate and remind myself that I have jumped off of cliffs and learned to fly on the way down.
Sometimes I didn’t develop my wings fast enough and I hit the earth with a thud and bounced off of rocks and cacti.
Spent large amounts of time feeling like whatever challenge I faced was something I had to do alone and apart because there were no other options.
Sometimes that was reality and sometimes it was perception.
I remember the moments and the feelings. Sometimes I compared it to other things and measured the response against it.
There was a Johnny Cash feeling tied to it.
Some of you will read things into this and form ideas based upon your individual experiences. Some of those ideas might be tied into experiences with me and some might not.
The focus for me comes down to that magical gut feeling I speak of. That magical sense of connection or of not being connected.
I know when it is there and when it is forced.
There are those with which it never disappears and those with whom it has fizzled. There was no hiccup or walkabout involved, it simply left and hasn’t been seen again.
The fascinating part to me is how much simply is and simply isn’t.
Red dress, blue dress.
One fish, two fish.
Charlie Brown tried to kick the ball and Lucy pulled it away at the last minute multiple times. And then Charlie Brown figured out he didn’t have to play the game that way and took a turn.
Now I See
I received an email earlier that I intentionally ignored or rather refused to respond to…tonight.
It didn’t infuriate me but it took me to the place right next to it and made me shake my head. If I have extended significant help and provided a service that you could not have gotten without me I expect to be treated decently.
That doesn’t mean you have to thank me, provide me with applause or kiss my rear. I don’t require much validation but I require you not to be a jerk.
So I refused to respond because my initial reply would have battered them silly and left their egos bruised and their bodies broken.
There was no benefit to doing so. No upside to letting an ass know he is acting like an ass nor would have I felt better by calling him a fool.
Tomorrow I’ll respond using small words and simple terms that he may not recognize as being filled with sarcasm and condescension.
Because there is no upside to his recognition of such things but the few minutes of writing something silly and then not sending it will be enough for me.
Sometimes I think about moments from a decade ago as well as some from farther out and recognize moves I should have made.
Choices that would have made life better now and less complicated or so it seems.
Most of the time I don’t spend much time wondering or worrying about things I can’t change because it is aggravating. No need to look at 28 years of my life as having been all good or all bad or in between.
If I could have seen then what I know now I would have made some of those moves and some of those changes. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.
That doesn’t stop me from taking action now, even when it fills a certain pitcher of anxiety that overflows into my glass.
Fear of change and fear to change are not enough to stop either from happening so it is better to take them head on.
Overall life is pretty damn good, but there are a few things now that require change. It is not an if, but a when.
Not sure if it is destiny, luck or circumstance, but it is definitely opportunity.
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