Sometimes you make like Johnny Cash or some other musician and you write your thoughts down to set your intention and to hold yourself accountable.
I did so and have done so multiple times and places because I needed to make certain things clear because I would rather put it out into the universe and take a chance than miss out on an opportunity.
The thought was in my head when I asked how long you can dance in the fire. Later on I mulled it over while pushing myself to go just a little farther and a little longer on the elliptical.
Picked up the phone and heard them ask if I had just woken up because there is a deeper rumble when I haven’t spoken more than a word or two.
“No, it was a beat down of a week. I have been through much worse but this one felt like I was walking uphill through chest deep snow while being pelted with sleet. There is new gray on the side of my head.”
They said they were sorry and wished me a better week. I said thank you, issued a few pleasantries and wandered over to the head.
Looked at the reflection and said “walk the line with me.”
Asked to have an “off the record” conversation and shared some words I would have said regardless of the answer.
“It’s very hard to get me to chase after people who have no real interest in engaging with me. It is difficult to convince me to chase after ideas that don’t resonate with me or provide a logical context for expending energy upon.
I get a little crazy if I feel like I am wasting energy on stupidity. I don’t put a sweater on just because others are cold.”
Some of the readers ought to recognize some if not all of those sentiments. I have said them many times throughout my life and in some cases with a much harder edge.
I have taught my children there are situations in which you need to repeat yourself so you are heard. I have also taught them to distinguish between when it is important to be heard and when it is trivial.
Not everything requires that we be listened to and or heard.
But there are moments in which it is of paramount importance and people who ought to do so. One of the fastest ways to gain my irritation and displeasure is not ignore those few things that are of critical importance to me.
It ought not need to be said that we all want to be seen, heard and valued but sometimes that gets lost.
Thought about that during the off the record conversation and considered how much I didn’t say because I had already made my decision as to how I was going to go forward.
I trust my gut and pay close attention to it. It is a big part of how I determine what I will do.
Couldn’t walk the line without it, hell it is precisely why and how I do it.
I found a note I wrote myself about a card my daughter made me for Father’s Day a decade ago. It was a very sweet card and part of it included pictures of her and I together.
She drew speech bubbles in which I said “let’s go for ice cream” and hers said “I have my spoon.”
That little girl has long since grown up is about to go back to school. That girl took Organic Chem, Biology and a bunch of labs her first semester of college and has an equally challenging second semester coming up,
She is driven and I don’t think she recognizes how freaking smart she is.
Her older brother doesn’t recognize it in himself either. Been having all sorts of conversations with him on a wide variety of topics and his love of art.
He doesn’t really want to call it that primarily because that is how I described it. Came about after he finished his first time on jury duty along with a deeper conversation about law.
I appreciate their humility and would much prefer they continue to approach life this way. Let their actions show who they are and not their words.
The younger Mr. Wilner overheard part of a conversation and asked me “what comes next” and cocked his head to the side when I said that is the real question.
Didn’t tell him that my response was addressing two as of yet unanswered questions for me. What comes next for them and for me.
Because as they slip into the lanes in which they begin to explore where their lives are going it opens things up for me to begin considering life in different ways.
I don’t have soccer games, school assemblies and so many other things to focus upon as reasons not to travel for work. I don’t have to live in places with great school districts.
That 10 year-old Father’s Day card was given to a dad who was still me but had a different set of responsibilities than this one does.
Sometimes I miss coaching and or attending their games but there is something exciting about knowing that for the first time in years I really can consider what sort of line I wish to walk.
And that is a big part of why I wrote some of it down, time to dream big and to think about how to live some of those too.