Wilner the younger asks me if I remember my 22nd birthday and I shrug my shoulders and say I am not sure, “have to think about it” and try not to laugh too hard.
He looks at me and says he isn’t sure he wants to know the details and I laugh again, “no, you really don’t. Your father had a very full life before you came around and some things are best not shared.”
For a moment we both stare at each other and I tell him I hate when people share 50 percent of the story. “I’d rather not know because if you give me half my imagination goes wild filling in the gaps.
Paul Harvey isn’t around anymore so…”
I wait for him to ask who Paul Harvey is/was and tell him I didn’t make him up.
“Look him up online if you want, not really important.”
Wilner the younger will turn 22 in less than a month and is feeling kind of old but not really.
I tell him it is strange to me to think I am probably more likely to become a grandfather than have another kid.
“Are you thinking about having another and with who?”
I laugh and say that I am not thinking about that. It is surreal to think that part of life is so far behind me and explain it is probably similar to what he is feeling.
“I guess I can see that.”
Changes
We go back and forth about a few things and he asks for details and I respond with “Maybe I’ll tell you in June.”
“What year?”
I nod and smile, “good question, I trained you well.”
He rolls his eyes and goes about his business as I go about mine.
Rolling through Circumstances and Situations as I think about the day and how busy the rest of this week, weekend and next week appear to be.
Been a while since things have been this crazy and I am not partial to it because it feels a bit like juggling chainsaws, torches and bowling balls.
Hit the gym earlier and increased the weight on the bench press 20 pounds more than I had been doing. That has been a struggle, not the actual weight because I can handle that without much stress.
Rather the taking time to ladder up and not try to push harder than I ought to as I see to regain what I lost between the time off between the lock down and now.
Questioning myself as to why I am doing things as I am while remembering there is vanity and there is sanity.
Vanity wants to push hard to get back to the weights I think I ought to be doing. Sanity says there is no reason we can’t but to be smart because the body doesn’t want to go as fast as the mind.
That is the hard part of aging, this memory of what we could do and how recent it feels.
Does it matter if I lift like I used to or am I bothered because it is harder than I think it should be. Bothered because some of this was so damn easy and now I have to kick some things into an extra gear.
Reminds me I am the most patient impatient man for some things. Some conversations will happen so that I get the 50 percent I am missing and then I’ll make some decisions.
Sometimes the heart aches from pain, sometimes from hope and anticipation and sometimes all three.
That is how life rolls.
Haven’t been clean shaven since July of 2019 and only for a day or two. Playing around with taking another swing at it because I feel like wiping out the gray that is creeping into the beard.
Playing around because I am curious if I will see a younger face or the same as now, just hair free.
Not sure that any of it matters, can’t answer where vanity and sanity play here.
Got some more important short term and long term goals that I am working on. Got some stuff that I have been chasing for quite some time and the sense that soon I won’t be chasing any more.
Soon I’ll have some answers and those will lead to choices and questions. That makes a wry grin roll across my face as it reminds me that no matter how much you have learned and how many things you may know there is always something you don’t.
Makes life interesting though and that is a good thing. If you never had any surprises it could be kind of dull, though let’s hope for mostly good surprises because those bad ones can be a pain-in-the-butt huh.
