I found myself wandering through the kingdom today and marveled at what I found because I hadn’t expected to be there.
Walked through a secret world hearing the echoes of the past and the future merge into the present and stopped by one of my favorite places to look, listen and feel.
Had to figure out if I was imagining it and then I was hit by waves of reality that confirmed it wasn’t a dream or fantasy, it was real.
But I didn’t speak of aloud because sometimes you best connect to the magic in a silence so loud you can’t miss it.
Later I sat and thought about it and figured the best way to go was forward and so I went back to Howard Stern’s interview with Bruce Springsteen and listened to a variety of clips from it.
That song resonates with me because I remember the hospice days with my father and how I watched him begin his journey to the other side.
As he drifted away we watched his bright blue eyes flutter, sometimes open and sometimes shut. I remember the moments where he would focus on me and squeezing his hand.
There was one brief moment where it was just he and I and I let myself speak as a son asking his father for advice one last time.
Watched as he roused himself from the drug induced slumber just enough to let me know he was all the way there and experienced our final moment in those roles.
The power of it will last forever and maybe that is where I drew strength to tell him he could go and I would do all I could to take on the promises I had made to him.
****
Thought about some of those moments again later in the day when the news came of a credible threat to New Jersey synagogues.
It is a personal threat for so many reasons and tied into some of the promises I made, promises almost no one could make me take. Thought about what he might say and what he might suggest more out of curiosity because there is an obvious bottom line he would reach.
He isn’t here and neither are any of the other Wilner men. It is on me and me alone and any decision or choice I make has to be one I can go to sleep with.
Talked with the younger Mr. Wilner about this because I wanted him to understand we carry an inner council of guides we can call upon to help us make decisions but it always comes down to ourselves.
We make those choices and I wanted him to recognize sometimes we may disagree with those and that is ok. That inner council is there to provide additional counsel when we wish to ask for it but it is only that. They don’t have to live with the choices we make, we do.
Doctors & Gyms
Got a call from the nurse about the results of my blood test and was told to keep doing what I am doing. Confirmed there was improvement even though I already knew the answer was affirmative and headed to the gym.
Had to lift not just for my physical health but my mental. The news from the day and recent moment pushes me and sometimes I am irked that I am not at least 15 years younger because the body is different.
Though I feel strength and stamina return each day I feel other things that show I am not quite what I was and make me wonder.
Wonder if it is ego or intuition that pushes me in some areas. Hate the idea of living a life where in some areas I have to be as good as I once was…once.
****
Walking through the kingdom reminds me that possibility and opportunity don’t have to be based solely on the concrete, tactile and visible.
Don’t have to rely upon what is socially acceptable or conventional. Don’t have to be a sneetch with or without a star, can be something else and make it all work.
Push through the ring of fire and get to that other side, can’t know or see what it looks like until you get there.
