If I were a more superstitious man I’d tell you that Dad got involved with life this past Monday.
I’d say that Mom had hip replacement surgery and that it happened while I was driving to a meeting in Tulsa.
When I walked into the car rental agency they gave me a choice of a Jeep or a Mazda SUV.
Did I mention that Mazda was the same model and color as the last car the old man drove.
It was surreal listening to my middle sister fill me on the results while I drove that rental and listened.
The surgery was planned and routine so I had no reason to be nervous but I won’t lie and say there weren’t a few minutes of wonder here and there.
I once told dad that if we could move the cancer from him to me I would take it on because I could beat it.
He shook his head at me and said not to say those things but I was firm, “I could beat it and I would,”
Life doesn’t work that way but I am who I am and if I consider you to be in the inner circle that is how I operate.
Thought about it all and more as I waited for news because I am the patiently impatient man.
The Life We Choose To Live
I remember my maternal grandmother walking past my grandfather and I and the remark he made.
“Your grandma has a nice tuchus.”
They were in their nineties when he said that to me. Shortly thereafter he told me again about how one of the reasons they got married when they were 20 was because grandma was a “good girl.”
I shook my head and grandpa said that after more than 70 years of marriage he could say that and that since I was a father he was confident I understood.
“I learned some things before I became a father.”
Grandpa shook his head at me and I said turnabout is fair play. If a grandfather wants to try to make his grandson turn red the grandson can do the same in turn.
Grandpa laughed and told me I was right.
****
It is 11 years since he and I got to speak in person, 15 since my paternal grandfather took off and a little more than four since dad died.
Had conversations with all of them about a million different things and the big stuff too.
We all talked about the lives we lead and the lives we choose to lead but their stories are done and mine isn’t.
The echoes of the past and the future keep pin balling through my head and sometimes when I am in the gym I hear my own voice screaming at me.
Talking heads say that a man in his fifties needs to approach weight lifting differently than when he is 25.
That voice is as hard and unforgiving as any I have ever heard and he has no tolerance for what things look like.
He only cares about working towards improvement and that is happening. We’re seeing the beginning of physical changes and can feel them too.
But he doesn’t want to wait to test things. He doesn’t want to wait figure out if we can go heavy and so I fight him.
Because I hear those three old men telling me to remember that I am not so old I can’t make changes, to measure twice and cut once and to pace myself.
It is a particularly peculiar position because the natural inclination is to go harder especially when I can feel momentum building.
But the newer parts of me recognize the wisdom of pacing and recognize that even though we’re still mostly bullet proof we aren’t who we once were.
Might get close but no need to hurt progress by letting impatience create unnecessary issues.
It is really hard…really, really hard because some of this feels like nonsense.
I hear those damn bells, feel the weights I started with become lighter and wonder if maybe it is not worth pushing just a little bit.
Tried it on a machine and added 80 pounds and maintained good form.
That inner voice cheered and said to do another, “we used to do this all the time.”
He was right, we did but he isn’t winning this fight. Sometimes you have to change things up to get to that other place you want to be at.
New Understanding & Appreciation
Been revisiting some books and quotes that I had meaning to me when I was younger and coming away with a new understanding and appreciation.
Sometimes I walk away thinking about how life experience impacts our view and how that might have a double edge.
Certain things are exhausting now in a way they never used to be and the idea of having to deal with them again is like having a dozen paper cuts in multiple places.
One or two aren’t particularly important but a dozen are impossible to ignore.
It is not that you can’t power through them because you can but until they heal they are a constant irritant.
Still there are other things that used to be significant issues and now they are inconsequential.
It is kind of interesting how some of this works.
Certainly highlights for me what and who is important to me. All I have to do is look at what and who I put up with.
Changes are coming, oh man are the changes coming. It is kind of exciting, kind of nerve wracking but that is what makes life interesting.
