Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary today and if the old man was here I am sure he’d tip a glass.
He isn’t and I can’t tell him about how next week marks four years since he wandered into the cornfields and the little girl who turned 14 that same day will turn 18.
Can’t feed him a line of his own and shake my head at him and tell him that sometimes I feel the anger shoot up at what he left undone.
Can’t say that I know what he would say or look at my grandfather and know he would nod his head and say my father was right.
“Life isn’t fair and I have broad shoulders for a reason.”
Feels like that scene in Endgame when Cap hears himself say “I can do this all day long” and respond with “I know” because I understand it all too well.
Give me a couple of Pym particles and I’d go back and tell him that I did the best that I could and I have played the hand I was dealt…every damn time.
But I can’t go back and I can live with it not just because I have no choice but because I choose to.
Did my best to leave nothing unsaid and think I did a pretty good job of it with him. Took that lesson and have tried to do it in real time with those who are most important.
And if I haven’t yet it is probably not because of a lack of effort on my part.
If you follow me around online, send emails and or issue comments about what you think I ought to do you might find a response.
Or you might find that I ignore you which is a response in itself now isn’t it.
That is the joyous part of life, the realization that so much isn’t based upon logic, reason, science or rational thought.
We see and hear what we want to and tell people that our beliefs aren’t based upon mythology but something far deeper.
“The lord spoke to me and I listened to his word and went out and engaged in actions he instructed me to engage in.”
That is a bad way of paraphrasing words someone used to tell me why they became a believer.
They asked me if I could relate and I said I could tell them a story of a moment with a particular woman whose touch made me willing to say and do almost anything.
They said that wasn’t a fair comparison and I asked them if G-d would give us proof of their conversation.
They said that wasn’t fair and I said if I contacted this particular woman she could verify all that I said but cautioned that she might be unhappy with my sharing such a tale.
“We might get some colorful language and it is possible she would deny it ever happened but that would still be better than what you have got.”
He was indignant at the thought and asked me how I could say such a thing.
“Worst case scenario she’ll curse me and you but we’ll get a definitive response. You won’t have to wonder if she is communicating with us. You’ll know. But G-d, well hell we are unlikely to get a burning bush, lightning strike or rainbow that we know is for us.”
This made this gentleman unhappy and he suggested that I am intentionally blind, especially when I said I could argue he was the blind man.
“If it makes you feel good you are free to believe it but I am not so arrogant to believe I am the only one with access to spiritual truth or that not believing as I do leads to eternal damnation.
Let me tell you dear reader, if I am guilty of anything in life it is a willingness to keep some things going like a dog gnawing at a bone.
If you catch my attention in the right way I will keep going until I am done. Kind of a double edged sword really as it has been the reason for a certain amount of success.
Also the reason for a certain amount of unnecessary strife.
What can I tell you, I am a work in progress.
Yeah I know that doesn’t excuse things or necessarily make it better, but did I ask for forgiveness from you for it.