I Didn’t Invite You In

You showed up in my dream unexpectedly and stood in the living room of that old apartment in Fort Worth and like so many other dreams you walked with me into my place in Grapevine even though I didn’t invite you in.

Probably not much of a surprise since you generally did whatever the hell you wanted to do and dreams don’t operate based upon logic or rational thought.

Some say there is truth in them, shards of a past you experienced and pieces of a future you might have. I go back and forth on that because I have had dreams that absolutely foreshadowed something that came about afterwards.

Had dreams too in which crazy but possible things happened.

Hell I once woke up remembering having shared a hotel room with a famous actress. Nothing much had happened, we had both missed a flight and the airline put us up for a night.

Not particularly likely but not impossible unlike other dreams I have had in which I could fly or teleport.

Stood on the balcony, looking out towards Grapevine Lake and said I had to call O and you cocked your head to the side.

I knew why but didn’t comment on it.

Walked to my fridge, grabbed a beer and looked at Dad’s picture and said “I never call you O, might refer to the Big O or use your full name, but that was different.”

Dad didn’t answer and during waking hours that makes perfect sense but dreams aren’t based upon that so I tried again.

“Hey Orrie, do I have your attention now.”

I’m Your Father

As a kid that sort of behavior was behavior. Dad wouldn’t tolerate that kind of insouciant behavior from me. “I am your father, not your friend. You don’t use my first name with that kind of informality. There is a time and place.”

He had no problem if I was introducing him to someone, he wasn’t that formal, it didn’t have to be “this is my father, Mr. Wilner.”

He was fine with “this is my dad, Orrie.”

But time and place made a difference and teenage Josh knew what lines not to cross and what buttons to push so he did.

And maybe it is fair to say still does, though it happens less frequently than some people might think.

Probably fair to say that it made an impression on me and that my kids learned not to call me by my first name unless it was the appropriate time and place.

I think I am probably more playful than Dad was and certainly sillier but that doesn’t surprise me. Life experience does much to influence who we are and who we become.

Speaking of which it is too bad Dad isn’t around because his grandson told me he was shocked to realize he said something that sounded just like me.

I told him that he should take it as a compliment that he was capable of sounding as erudite and eloquent as his old man.

Laughed hard when he rolled his eyes and told him there are worse things.

*****

Amazon photos sent me one of their reminders of what happened on this date. It was a picture of a birthday cake from the last birthday I celebrated with both of my parents.

May 2016.

Three thoughts accompanied that.

1. I knew I was likely moving back to Texas. I had already had a couple of interviews and had nailed one so well it was inconceivable to me that I wouldn’t get an offer. Told Dad about it and that I wasn’t sure. He said I had to take it and walked me through his thoughts. I agreed.
2. It’s too bad he isn’t around because it would be nice to show him how things turned out. Wasn’t always easy, at times it was more painful and difficult than I ever imagined but I fought through it.
3. Is it really six years since the last normal birthday.

Normal is a funny word because it is not entirely accurate or applicable here.

But it fits because for 47 years I had two parents who always did something for my birthday. Might not have seen them on the actual day, but there was usually some kind of family gathering.

Told my kids to remember sometimes life changes before you are ready or expect it to and that you do your best to roll with it.

During a different conversation with my son I told him to remember there is going to come a day when I won’t be here to remember no one will appreciate certain aspects of his life more than his sister.

That is generally true with the siblings we grew up with, though age impacts things somewhat.

My middle sister is two years younger so we spent most of elementary through high school in school together. There were a couple of gaps, but not much.

My youngest sisters and I had virtually no crossover. I think we had one year together, but the difference in age meant I didn’t see them in school or hear about them.

Middle sister and I had the same math teacher one year, different periods and classes, but same teacher so sometimes he would make remarks.

We were also on our high school swim team at the same time so there was some shared experiences there.

Dream Your Dreams

Never know what I will dream about nor sure about how many of them I remember, at least those I have when I am asleep and unconsciously walking through different worlds.

Got others that I know well enough to discuss and describe should I choose to.

Talked a bit about it in general not long ago when I had to give a 30 minute presentation. Someone asked if they could get a copy of what I spoke about and I said that I was sorry I wasn’t prepared to share it.

Didn’t tell them that I did most of it extemporaneously because I didn’t them to think I was winging it when I was winging it.

But if I had been pressed I could have said that I had a basic outline and that I knew a general outline of what the beginning, middle and end would be.

Ten thousand hours of practice and a million hours of blogging can be useful.

Put down your thoughts, hopes and dreams upon a page and good things can come from it. Be graphic where you need to be, even if it is the kind of thing that might make someone blush.

You don’t know if the graphic stuff will be read or if the mundane will be either but the exercise is worth engaging in because if you don’t learn how to say what needs to be said you may never say it.

And that is why in that last dream I was very direct and quite explicit. I might not have invited you in but since you chose to be there I chose to tell you what I wanted.