It Scared Me

The skies unloaded upon my car during a 75 mile drive back home. I was about 10 minutes into the drive home when I wondered if that was an ark next to me and then it didn’t matter.

I couldn’t see anything but a wall of water and some blurry images that looked like tail lights so I slowed the car down and hoped I didn’t get rear ended.

Texas drivers aren’t known for being particularly good so I had good reason to be concerned about possibilities and the truth is it scared me.

Got all sorts of big rigs and F-150s around me and bad things can happen even when people are cautious. I took a breath, silently acknowledged the fear and managed it.

If you are never scared or nervous about anything there is either something wrong with you or you are a liar.

Fear is instinctual and it is part of what has kept us alive. The issue isn’t admitting you are afraid or acknowledging that some situations are frightening.

It is a question of whether you manage the fear or let it manage you.

That is not always easy. I have a few stories about moments that I would describe as being terrifying. None of them beat me and I own a record of having outlived every bad day I have ever had.

But there were a few where I wasn’t so sure.

What You Do With It

I once sat in a car with a woman talking about life when a police chase passed by us. She ducked her head and I told her to stay down. I thought I saw one of the cops holding a gun and wasn’t sure if I had seen the driver of the other car holding one too.

Can’t say it was real or if it was imagination.

When I shared the story with one of the guys they asked if I was frightened. I said I would have been more nervous about trying to kiss her.

They said that sounded ridiculous and I said I wasn’t sure about the guns but I knew for certain the other situation was real.

In concept it sounds silly but I really wasn’t worried about the police chase. Statistically speaking there was little chance of anything bad happening and though I couldn’t be certain about the guns I knew I could drive away.

She was right next to me and though I thought we were sharing a moment there was reason to be cautious. Don’t want to just grab the shmata and go in unless you are certain or mostly certain.

Anyhoo, the real focal point here is fear is about what you do or do not do with it.

I chose not to let the fear of what could happen when the waterfall opened up on my windshield and when it was safe I hit the off ramp and stopped at a Buc-ees.

Bounced out and confirmed their bathrooms are still spotless and took off 10 minutes later.

We hit a couple of rough patches afterwards but overall it was fine. I can also confirm yelling at the sky I was going to make it to my next birthday if I had to punch the Angel of Death’s entire family in the throat.

That led to my being asked if I really believed the Angel of Death has a family. My answer is simple, if such a being exists why couldn’t or wouldn’t they have a family.

I don’t understand how you can believe in the supernatural and then start applying multiple limitations. Didn’t make sense to me.

But I suppose that many of those who have a particular faith tend to apply human traits to their beliefs. I sort of understand that, if you are trying to make sense of something you look for applications that make it easier to understand.

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Got a niece roaming around Israel now which has brought back a bunch of memories and thoughts. Pretty sure she won’t find herself standing on Masada talking about the meaning of Incense and Peppermints against Tolstoy.

Or maybe she will.

Maybe she knows Strawberry Alarm Clock but I’ll put money down she doesn’t know another song by them. That is ok, I probably can’t name another without running a search.

The Countdown

There is a girl who calls me Dad sitting across from me now.

She wants to know why I am staring at her but I don’t tell her it is because the countdown has begun and I know I’ll blink and she’ll be off at college.

She says I stare too hard and it is kind of creepy. She is right about how hard I sometimes look but it is not creepy. Won’t debate that part, she’ll understand one day if she becomes a mom.

Things have already changed because the kids work and it is unusual for everyone to be around for a family dinner.

There was a time not so long ago when I would have been dreaming about how much longer the kids would be awake because I wanted to watch a show and or have adult time.

They are old enough now that if I wanted to turn on Fauda I could. Of course season four hasn’t rolled out yet so it doesn’t matter.

Damn if I don’t wish I could turn the clock back for just a little while but then again I am looking forward to seeing what these kids end up doing with their lives too.