It is a Johnny Cash kind of night, got myself a drink and headphones listening to the song that first made me a fan.
Can’t tell you exactly what did it or why, but it clicked for me and now I listen and think about a few other songs while I fire dance.
Writing down the truths that some don’t wish to read, see or think because there is a naked truth that you don’t want to focus upon.
Except something fired me up and I am there, in that place where I will wade into it all and not worry about the consequences because I’ll figure it out as I go.
Already pushed through some of the crap the antisemites post elsewhere just to see what the folks who flew flags in Austin think is truth.
Wandered through fields of fire and did my part in various places and areas. Won’t have changed some minds but probably caught a few and maybe woke some others up.
Sometimes you have to walk through the blurred lines towards the goal you have set and that is what I am doing.
Wrestling With The Angel Of Death
Doc told me yesterday that things were good, not great, but good and I smiled because I had a dream about wrestling with the angel of death.
Told that creature it wasn’t time and he ought to step back because I am not yet so diminished I can’t go a few rounds.
Heard more than once about how the doc expected Grandpa Wilner not to last as long as he did and heard the same about Dad.
You can call that whatever you want, it matters not a whit to me because I have my understanding and interpretation. I haven’t yet reached my peak, watch and learn.
Thought about it all some more when one of my older cousins told me a little bit about my grandmother’s first husband. I asked because I was truly curious and because it occurred to me how different things could have been if it had worked out.
I might not be here.
You never would have known me because I might not have ever come into being.
That is not particularly profound because a dozen other events could have changed it all.
Either one of my folks could have chosen to skip out on the Peace Corps or decided they didn’t like the other that much.
They could have had me in Ecuador or not had any kids at all.
None of that what if stuff really matters because I am here and since I haven’t found the Wilner fortune I can’t retire tomorrow, next month, year or two years from now.
Well maybe two years from now, but don’t count on it because there is much that has to happen and it is improbable.
More likely to pepper my pike in other ways. Hell, that is not just likely, it is pretty fucking probable.
In the interim I am continuing to work on taking steps to make it less likely to have visits from winged and other creatures any time soon.
It is a slow process but we’re seeing steady improvement and sometimes that is all you can ask for.
Final Thoughts
It’s almost eight years to the day since I left my apartment in Fort Worth and headed back to LA.
Sometimes it reminds of the end of the Dark Knight but probably not for the reasons some of you think.
I could say the same thing about this part of Man Of Steel, but again not for the reasons some of you think.
There are moments where you make changes upon changes because you have to.
They aren’t predicated upon what you want or even what you need, they are decisions made in the moment with the understanding you’ll face the consequences when you take a breath.
Sometimes they are the right decision and you know there was a cost to making them that you chose to pay figuring maybe you’d find a way to make it up down the line.
So you go forward and hope that down the line isn’t so far down that you miss all opportunities and chances to do what it was you had been doing.
Because sometimes you get to answer the bell that was rung and sometimes even if you are pulled out midway you get a chance to jump back in the water and swim like crazy towards the mark.
Can’t know and won’t know without paddling like hell so that is what you do.
Paddle like hell.
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