Got a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade on my left, Bose headphones on my head and Wardruna playing.
My right index finger aches a little today, a reminder of the day I slipped on icy stairs and dislocated it.
Doc asked me if someone had driven me to the office and I said ‘no.’ I was living here alone and I didn’t want to ask anyone for help.
“After I pop it back into place I want you to wait a moment and make sure you aren’t lightheaded before you drive home.”
I told him I had tried to reset it myself and that I had stopped out of concern of making it worse.
“It is hard to get the grip I want and I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right.”
Took months before that finger felt right but truth is it has never been the same.
They tell me it is arthritic now and that it could get worse as I age. It is part of why I use my hand grip, I figure it can only help.
And if it doesn’t, well I haven’t lost anything. Every little bit helps.
Thirty-five years ago we walked across the rooftops of the Old City on our way to the Kotel.
My dear friend David, gone 23 years this August walked alongside me and asked me to explain why a girl he liked had listened to him pour his heart out and acted liked he had said nothing.
“If she doesn’t have the decency to respond I won’t ever speak with her again.”
I am not sure if he ever did, have to think about it for a moment. Were he here today I would ask him if he was surprised a 17 year-old might have found that to be a little much.
Especially since I know adults who find it challenging, especially if the intensity is cranked way up.
Surreal to look back 23 years and think about how young we were and to think about how much older we’ll be 23 years from now.
Theoretically I might be a grandfather then, with children who some would call middle aged.
Some of you wonder if I spend too much time looking backwards and or forwards instead of focusing on the present.
You don’t understand me and maybe you don’t feel a need to. That is ok with me, those who want to and are invited will and that is enough.
I hear a clock ticking inside my head and it drives me to get answers to some questions and to have certain experiences sooner than later.
Especially since later is never guaranteed nor gifted to us.
I have seen lightning strike, been through fires, riots and earthquakes and traveled all around the world but not nearly enough places.
When the comet has lit up your sky and you have witnessed the northern lights you take action or accept that you have to live with the kind of regret that eats at you.
If you want to experience the kind of unbridled joy that comes with life sometimes you have to take the big risk and see what happens.
Can’t wait forever for some things and some people. Eventually you have to move from your space.
If you are me, well you follow your north star as best you can even when others can’t quite see it or understand.
What Is Your Plan?
Some of it is written down here but not all of it. Some things aren’t for general consumption but you put them down because that is how you make things happen.
You put them down and hold yourself accountable for going beyond.
The house is empty, even the dog is on vacation.
I’ll be up for hours and then try to sleep in but that grows harder than it used to be.
Got a couple of ideas for why that is and am working on solutions but am sort of ambivalent, at least for the moment.
I can lounge around and play sleepy almost middle aged man the entire weekend if I want to.
Not ideal, not a good way to get everything done that I want to but not horrible.
I may hear a clock tick tocking away in my head but I don’t have to let it drive everything I do nor do I have to accomplish everything on my list to feel good about myself.
Especially since I am pretty damn sure some of what I have been working on is about to fall into place.
The funny thing about it all is that our first flights can happen at multiple times throughout our lives.
The only way to find that out is to keep testing our limits and that is something that I tend to excel in.
The little boy hasn’t let the experience of the man prevent him from thinking that maybe this time we’ll take flight and keep flying.
