Very few people ask serious questions with serious intent and fewer yet are likely to get a response or any acknowledgment from me.
“Do you really want to know.”
If it is said with a period and not a question mark it is because I am used to doing it on my own and not probably not interested in opening up unless I trust the other person is indeed interested.
Some of the hard edges have gotten harder and trust isn’t given easily. So if I let you in there is a reason for it and I am probably evaluating whether it was a foolish and impulsive move or proper.
Could be the gut says to go for it because there are unanswered questions and the only way to get them answered is to allow for opportunity.
Can’t get the reward without the risk. Sometimes Lucy let’s Charlie Brown kick the ball.
Been a crazy few weeks in which a family friend died and two people I know have committed suicide.
Don’t ask me why they did it because I haven’t any idea and can’t explain the inexplicable. Been to some very dark places in my life and contemplated dark deeds because it is part of how I process.
Tell me fire burns and I still might put my hand in a place in which I’ll get a harsh education. Don’t really need to worry about me being slow, because I get there, wherever there is.
I do it at my pace and in my way, I figure it out.
Sometimes I write it down in various places and use those words to assemble a patchwork quilt of understanding.
Have had a few people tell me it makes no sense to them or how they don’t understand me and shrugged my shoulders.
“Do you need to understand me? Do you need to follow? Can you accept, like or care about me without that understanding?”
If the answer is no there is a pretty good chance we’ll go our separate ways because it is not how relationships ought to work.
You don’t have to understand or like everything about someone else to be in their life and they don’t have to do the same with you.
Differences aren’t automatically bad and shouldn’t be viewed in pejorative terms. There are always exceptions but this isn’t a time for reviewing those.
****
It is a strange time and I am sure recent events are part of what have me shaking my head and asking the questions I am pondering.
These aren’t the why did these men do what they did because I have nothing but speculation there and there is no utility in that.
Instead I am focused in a couple other areas that are related to personal matters because those are things I have some influence in. Those are things that I have some control, albeit limited.
Can lightning strike three times? Can you be disciplined enough to do what needs to be done? Can you overcome a few challenges that you haven’t managed in the past?
Those aren’t easy questions to answer. I have a gut feeling about all and ideas for what will happen. I’ll figure them out.
That other stuff probably isn’t going to be answered in a way I can follow. Those are things you are forced to accept even if you don’t like it because there are no options.
Doesn’t make the heart ache less but maybe it helps in a different way. Not really sure about that, but when searching for answers sometimes we put things down on a page and see what we are left with.
