Dad never knew me as a 50 year-old and he’ll never know me at 52 and I am good with that not because I like it but because there are no other good options.
Were he here he would tell me it is a waste of energy to be sorry he is not around.
How do I know?
Because he told me.
“It is ok to miss me, but don’t waste a lot of time. I’ll be dead and you won’t be. You can’t bring me back. You can’t change it so focus on what you do have control over.”
I heard him speak that plainly on Friday except it was my voice I heard using words that were similar to his, but my own.
“Wilner, you have an edge to you sometimes. You can be a very hard man.”
I am not convinced they are wrong but I am not convinced they are right either.
The Only Thing That Is Real
Visited the lab this morning so the doc will have blood test results when I go visit him this week.
Lab tech took my blood pressure and asked me if I was aware how high it is.
“I am. Give me two minutes and I’ll make it drop 30 points”
She said ok and it sounded like she might have smiled but I don’t know because the mask she wore left me few clues.
“That’s better but not where we want it.”
I nodded my head and said I was disappointed I hadn’t made it drop the full 30 for both systolic and diastolic. Hell, my pulse was higher than I am used to seeing it and I wondered if I couldn’t meditate for a few and make everything drop lower still.
Walked out muttering “you have work to do” and reminded myself throughout the day that I have to focus harder.
The time on the treadmill gets easier but I am not where I want to be and have no one and nothing to blame but me.
Feel a bit like a car that needs a little bit more than a wash and a tune up. There is life left in it, but you can’t expect to run like it did without tweaking a few things.
It is harder now than it was and it frustrates me because I have made an effort more than once to move things along and had things trip me up.
But some of you know from experience that when motivated I can stick with things for a long while so I am doing the best I can and trying not to beat myself up too much in the process.
Set a December deadline for a few people and a few changes because it is time.
Time to do or not do, there is no try.
Time to do more than plan for the next chapters. Time to lean in with my full intent. Time to kick a few things up a notch and see if they work or let go.
The blacksmith will tell you it takes hard work, vision and tenacity to take metal and shape it into something other than as it is.
So it is time to be like the blacksmith or find a new profession.
I am optimistic. That is age and experience speaking so even if I can’t do exactly as I once did it doesn’t mean I can’t get some things done.
People can come along or not. Who I am now will not be who I am later and that is ok.
