Doc doesn’t recommend taking four or five Ambien at a time cuz he says I might sleep through my alarm. He is not a fan of drinking a fifth of Vodka because he says it might hurt my teeth.
Could split the difference and grab three of those blue pills and a large swig of whatever is in the cabinet.
Family says that might make me more pleasant to deal with and I say it will make the morning better because waking up at noon is superior to six.
Old John wants to know why I would do such a thing and I say it is easier to manage chemo when I go in feeling like shit in advance.
“That doesn’t make much sense, now does it.”
“I am only doing what Texans do.”
“You’re a Californian.”
“Oh yeah, but I live in Texas and if I have to Uber to Chemo I need to be protected. So the alcohol does that.”
“If you want to beat the cancer you’ll have to do better than that. You’ll have to take care of yourself.”
“Hasn’t killed me yet so I’d say I am doing pretty well.”
“Not going to stay that way if you keep this up.”
“Maybe not, maybe yes. Something is going to kill me, might as well be death.”
“Change your ways smartass.”
“I’ll pretend you said change your theme and compromise. Probably time to update so they look pretty if I am not up for it later.”
Some say I’m far too morbid and others ask how I can be so damn cavalier.
“Look for me above sounds more pleasant than down below. Body is going to just rot in the earth, but some will think of above as meaning I got wings instead of horns and a tail.”
“I think you already have the horns and tail.”
“If it makes you feel good to suggest or believe that be my guest.”
“That is almost more obnoxious than you’re saying you’re a bad guy.”
“Is it worse than saying I am unlovable and that all who have stop.”
“I can’t tell if you serious or not.”
“Look for me above when I am gone but make sure they don’t burn my body or throw it into the sea. Especially not the sea.”
“I thought you hate the idea of being burned?”
“I do, but I hate the idea of sharks eating pieces of me more.”
“What makes you think they like dead flesh. Jaws always liked them squirming.”
“You’re no fish expert. What the fuck do you know about sharks wanting live flesh. Maybe they think I taste good.”
“How did we get into a conversation about sharks eating you. This is ridiculous.”
“That is right, look for me above. I’ll be a new constellation which will not have been discovered and will cause massive consternation. I think I like that.”
“You like making people upset, don’t you.”
“No, I like it when they get along and I like it better when they ask what can they do to make my life better. Their altruism is a true pleasure.”
You could try harder to be less selfish.”
“I did. That is why I stopped chasing that brunette in college and let you have her.”
“No you didn’t. She went home with you.”
“No, I went home with her, so you are wrong.”
“You still went home with her.”
“Come to think of it, you’re right. She did come to my place, but I did tell her you’re a good guy.”
“How charitable of you.”
“When I am gone look for me above.”
“Shut up, you’re not dead. You have a treatable cancer.”
“That is what the drug companies tell the docs so that they’ll tell me I might live three days longer if I pay for their fancy meds.”
“No, I am dying and when I am gone some will be inconsolable. Tell them to look for me above.”