Two promises were made to different people in which I said certain things would happen and that it wasn’t a question of if, but when.
One makes me smile…broadly.
The other makes the vein in my forehead standout and those who know what that means would ask what was done to cause it.
I didn’t sleep well last night and found myself thrashing around for part of the day because when I did what was asked of me I was mistreated.
Some people are under the impression that I can be broken and in concept that is true because anyone can be.
Except, this isn’t one of those situations and I will bang my head against the concrete and pour Tabasco in my eyes and still keep coming.
Granted I might also scream in pain, but I will not lose.
Might take some time, but I can find that and when motivated patience isn’t a problem.
Call it all the two promises of love and war. Might not be an accurate description, but it sounds like it would make a hell of a story or poem doesn’t it.
Got a text and an email saying I’m going to be stabbed with a needle this week and I smiled because it is a good thing.
Still a part of me won’t rest and relax about it until it has been done.
Got PTSD from the past creeping up upon me and I feel it messing with my head. Feel it making me react more strongly to some things than I would have under other circumstances.
Spoke with Dad’s oldest friend for a solid 90 minutes and for the briefest of moments felt like maybe he was sitting there with us.
It was very pleasant but it had sharp moments of pain because somethings remind you about how alone and apart it can feel.
Made me think of what happens when you say someone is your air and they are gone, you feel a bit like you are choking.
Not really the same with Dad, but it brushes closest enough against the one I can hear the echoes and remember.
Makes you think about how people might say “we were” when they would rather say “we are.”
Sometimes you have to make like the lone wolf and howl until you are done and walk away. Might always be like this or might never be like this again, just never know.
Such A Peculiar Moment
Sometimes you have to write elsewhere so that you can speak freely and without any concern.
Sometimes you have to remind yourself you live a Dickensian moment in which it feels like the best of times and the worst of times.
All you need to do is hold on a moment longer and wait until later and the pain of the present will have faded.
Some people say the pain of childbirth fades so quickly mothers forget what it is like and that is why they are willing to do it all again.
I cannot say if it is true from personal experience but I have heard a few women say it is so and some argue against it.
Since I’ll never know I limit my commentary to it makes sense to me that nature causes moms to forget the full impact so not to dim the motivation for procreation.
But again, it is logic and not personal experience applied here.
My eldest says he has no interest in marriage or becoming a father. My youngest plans on going to medical school and says no kids until afterwards.
Sometimes they see a partial smile cross my face and tell me I shouldn’t do that because I don’t know what they plan on doing with their lives or how serious they are.
I tell them I know more than they think and that I know things because I have lived, loved and lost.
The youngest tells me not to be dramatic and I assure her that I am not being. There is no snark, no sadness or happiness in my statement.
It is fact.
I have lived a life and experienced so much they haven’t. I have traveled paths they have never seen or considered and done things they don’t know about.
Gave up on some dreams and came up with others.
People grow and evolve.
Some dreams die forever and some go into hibernation.
“You don’t know who you will choose to become yet and that is ok.
One step at a time, forward, always forward. You’ll find it or it will find you. Maybe both are true or maybe not. Either way, some changes will come and that is ok.”
