It could have been the Johnniest June moment ever. Mad as hell for the right reasons and then it leaked right out of me and I cursed, “son of a bitch, she did it again and I don’t know how.”
Shrugged my shoulders and accepted I’ll never understand some things and I am ok with that. Closed my eyes, listened for a moment and heard the echoes of the past reach into the present and into the future.
“You know that kiss would be electric, like it always has been. Better watch out. ;)”
Flip on some music because English doesn’t say what I want or need it to and take a moment.
The Tastiest Crumb Ever
“You know I am the tastiest crumb ever” slips out but no one is around to hear it or inquire what it means so for a moment it sits in the air and then fades away.
Thoughts and ideas float around, throw on another song and think about where things are heading. Just a matter of time before some things get to where they are going but first there is an election and pandemic to move through.
More than a few people have asked how I am getting through this time and if I am writing down my thoughts so that one day I can tell my grandkids what this time was like.
Reminds me of being a young twenty something talking to my HIV positive uncle about whether he’ll let me film him so that we capture his stories and thoughts.
“Nope. You can keep what you remember now and what you remember from the past.”
It shocks me, the gravel in his voice and lack of interest. He has no intention of being swayed and it throws me for a host of reasons, not the least of which is I am seeing a different side of my uncle than I have in the past.
I recognize it, because he sounds like my dad and though I know they are brothers, I haven’t thought of them as being similar.
But, they are brothers and there are family traits that I look back and see immediately but whether it is maturity on my part of hindsight I can’t say,
What strikes me is how I relate to it now because there is a part of me that connects.
Would it make a difference if I didn’t wake up and there wasn’t anything but some pictures, Super 8 footage and whatever stories family/friends had from spending time with me.
Maybe, maybe not.
The world won’t stop moving and life won’t stop being lived and that is how it should be.
I have quite a bit to do and experiences I need to have so I am not ready for the hard stop and prefer that whomever is left doesn’t have to deal with it, but I guess in some ways I am my father’s son.
During one of those post Cancer diagnosis conversations when we talked about what he wanted me to do he looked me in the eye and said didn’t matter.
“You need to look after mom and your sisters because it is the right thing to do, not because I asked. I’ll be dead so it won’t matter. Not like I am going to check up on you.”
I thanked him for his sunny disposition and he gave me the finger. We both laughed.
It’s A Strange Kind Of Pain
Something about the song above touches some memories and gets me thinking. It is kind of an odd video, but I kind of like it.
The song pulls out a Batman soundtrack vibe in places and then makes me think of Rod Stewart singing Young Turks
Somewhere in a different moment I am in a bathtub with water scorching my body and it is not enough for me to not feel like someone is trying to crush my intestines.
Eventually I start rhythmically punching tile just hard enough to hurt my hand but it serves the purpose of distracting me and the pain in the guts fades.
Morning comes too soon and for a chunk of too many minutes there is a dull pain that carries over from the night before.
But that passes too and by 4 O’clock I feel like a person again.
Take a moment to review the past few days to try to figure out if it was a bug or something else and I realize the younger Mr. Wilner has a better read on me than I sometimes recognize.
He has asked me how I was feeling a few times. I thought I had masked it better than that, but maybe not.
Listened to a Heather Cox Richardson Q&A and walked way feeling more centered than I have in a while. Needed someone to lay out a foundation and outline of circumstances so I could remember where we are and what is going on.
So much is going on it is easy to get lost in it and forget about things.
They are running scared in the WH and working hard to adjust our reality to fit their twisted world view and it doesn’t have to go like that.
Doesn’t mean things aren’t bad and that there isn’t significant reason to be worried, but there is quite a bit to be positive about.
Can’t say for certain what it will look like or what it will take to get there but it is going to be ok because I will make it happen.
That is the benefit of having been to hell before. I have been to the deepest pits and darkest holes and found a way to get out of it.
Can’t fix the world at large, but I can handle small sections and that is enough. That is what the Johnniest of June moments reminded me, you better damn well believe I know nothing and I know…things.