An Uncomfortable Truth

Four years ago today I began the process of moving back to Texas in the midst of an uncomfortable truth about what was going on and what I might be moving into.

I remember a conversation with Dad about it and how he looked me in the eye and told me I had to do it and that it would be a mistake not to.

“You understand what I said and what it might mean.”

“I do and you understand I am telling you I see no other good option. You have done all you can and it is time to go. Now go.”

And with that we packed up the house and prepared for an unknown future starting with surgery to repair a double a hernia, followed by a quick trip to find housing and then a one way drive into the unknown.

I Am Not 25

I moved more than a 1000 pounds worth of stuff on Wednesday and have swallowed a chunk of ibuprofen every day since.

That day reminded me I am not 25 and that even though I can still lift a significant amount of weight I can’t do it with the same alacrity as before.

Time humbles us all and thought I am confident things would have been different if I had been lifting weights with my normal consistency it wouldn’t be as I wish.

The medicinal help would have been necessary as I still would have been reminded that my body doesn’t work the same as it used to but maybe not as sharply.

And maybe certain words wouldn’t have been exchanged but one can’t say because I have never tolerated bullies or bullying and am less willing than ever.

So here we are in a place I never expected to be in a situation I never anticipated being in and in all things guided by that fire in the belly.

Those words echo and rattle inside my head causing more irritation than the know in my back that hasn’t quite left but feels like it might be going soon.

It is humbling to be in this position, physical that is, and to wonder if the slide is really in progress or if maybe I can run that rabbit down and have my way.

Don’t expect to be able to go back in time, but slow it down…absolutely.

It is a hard thing this change and it hurts my heart a little.

Something Happened Along The Way

None of us look the same and though the kids technically have changed the most I feel like I am staring at a ghost of a man I remember.

I think I still own two of those shirts, both of which still fit albeit slightly snugger but if life keeps moving as it is that will change.

I want to make like Gumby and step into the picture and tell that guy that taking the road less traveled is going to be harder than he expects and to keep going.

I want to ask him to be kinder to himself and to recognize much of what is coming is impossible to stop knowing he probably won’t listen, but if anyone has a chance at opening his eyes it is me.

Can’t go back. Can’t adjust. Can’t pivot.

Sometimes those ‘can’ts’ piss me off and sometimes I just shrug my shoulders because what’s done is behind me.

Live Hard, Love Hard

Had a short conversation with someone who asked me if I have a motto and I said I have many.

“How can you have many?”

“How can you have just one? In my life I have been many things son, brother, husband, uncle, father, friend. One thing doesn’t cover all, so I have many.”

“What is your motto for this moment?”

“Live hard, love hard. It hurts…a lot. But it comes with so much joy, more than the hurt. So if you can take the blows you can get so much more. So much that you may not always remember the rough stuff…if you can take it.