When he said he had no idea what I was talking about it had an edge to it and I wondered what the hell he was thinking.
I wasn’t sure if he was unintentionally acting like a jerk or if it was a willful attempt to get a rise out of me.
The topic wasn’t sophisticated and the description had a beginning, middle and and an end.
Still I took a moment to consider whether it was me and shared the same comment and question with two others.
That was enough for me to know it wasn’t me and then something happened.
Two more people said they weren’t really following what I was saying and that made me stop and think.
If the universe speaks to people this was/is a sign the crash is coming.
I have been burning the candle at not just two ends but the middle two while jumping over the flames like Jack Benimble.
Instead I ought to be like the Jack who grabs a beer stein, er or takes a vacation cuz I feel the wall coming.
Thing is I also feel the presence of whatever is chasing me too and I am not sure turning to do battle is the right move even if it is my nature.
A friend says I ought to ask for help and I respond by saying I generally don’t ask.
I am not good at it for a variety of reasons and there are ample stories to support this.
Is it because of bravado or bouts of shyness or some combination?
Hell, I don’t really know. Mom could tell you about how I sat through the same music class in summer school because I wasn’t sure where to go and didn’t ask.
I was five or six and I remember not wanting to ask because I was embarrassed.
Today I might not ask because it doesn’t occur to me or because I feel like I am too busy and figure I can get answers on my own in less time than it takes to pick up the phone.
Or because I am not interested in a 40 minute lecture about how to build a clock when I ask for the time or 40 minutes about why I should be doing it differently.
I thought about it a bit when I realized I was running at full speed towards a wall and later when someone told me to pick my head up.
He said in 24 years he hadn’t seen anyone do what I have done and mentioned how even I generally am.
Some of you might find that to be funny because you have seen behind the wall, but you might be surprised at how many haven’t.
I see it as a sign of being my father’s son but others might disagree. That is ok, we don’t all have to have the same opinion.
Some of you can be wrong.
****
Everything hurts.
Every…part…of…me.
I’ll survive. It is part of the moment tied into a variety of things. The beauty of age and life experience is I recognize some of this.
Another Sign Of The Coming Crash
The problem with having laser focus is you can get so granular you miss things and I realized today I am missing a few.
I am so close I can’t see clearly and instead of being very productive I am just getting by.
This is a problem and I need to correct it.
I know of a couple of ways that would provide immediate assistance but not all are available so I’ll have to manage.
Guy comes at me online and says he is sure I am a horrible person.
“You forgot unlovable, the source of all evil and the guy who has naked pictures of you and your sister.”
It was a dumb, throwaway line but he came back a few more times to reiterate how much he disliked me and I told him not to worry.
“You’ll probably kick my ass, but you won’t ever take my freedom or naked pictures of you and your sister.”
I blocked him after that. No need to continue wasting my time and I already felt like I had free rent in his head.
Maybe I didn’t, but why pop that bubble and let think I hadn’t won a heavyweight title fight on the Internet.
Here I Am
Facebook reminded me that four years ago I set foot again on the start of a journey I am still on.
Maybe it is a quest or just an ordinary adventure but the echoes of the past and the future intersected and I knew I had to go.
Had to follow and see if what I thought was might still be and even if not find out what lay over the rainbow and far, far away.
It is probably part of the crash because I carry the weight but I choose to do so in this case.
A time will come when I set it aside and those who joined the journey will continue and those who haven’t will fade into the background and eventually into the distance.
It is not a question of if but when because it is already happening. Time will come when we’ll see how it all plays out in full or at least in quarter.
Just you wait.
There are moments where you look around and you know that the transitional period you are in pushing you forward and that while you may not control the future you are the captain of the freaking ship and there are no storms you cannot handle.
