“What if you disappear? What if you stop writing and I don’t see any updates anywhere online? Am I supposed to think you chose to stop and that you are not on a ventilator in some hospital or worse.
If you died, how would I find out?’
Stumbled across that dialogue on a blog or somewhere else online and thought about it for a few moments and realized if something happened to me others could find themselves asking those very questions.
Sixteen years of blogging has made it common for me to see bloggers come and go and to wonder what happened to people but I don’t think I ever thought they died.
Correction, I know of a few but their blogs were updated or other bloggers knew about it and the information filtered out.
So I usually figured they burned out or got caught up in life because there usually wasn’t any reason to think otherwise.
But now, well now even though I don’t walk around fearing for my life I look at this virus and think it is pretty damn nasty and I don’t see a need to find out first hand like so many others are.
Ask Chris Cuomo how he feels.
Turn on the music and think about what to say, who to say it to and when the right time is or isn’t to share thoughts and ideas.
Move on to other music and think about a very rough night and how life can kick you in the balls not once, but twice.
It was one of those nights where I would have called dad and asked a couple of questions about some experiences but he wasn’t there so I didn’t.
Grunted loudly enough to make the dog raise his head and straightened myself out, one more grunt and a short walk to the bed hoping that sleep might come.
And if it did, hope that the morning would be better.
It was and I looked up at the sky, cliche as it may be and offered a wry smile.
Memories of dad telling me that grandpa rarely complained about physical pain and an understanding that if I did there would be no judgment.
Fourteen years later there was significant discomfort but no reason to say much of anything because it wouldn’t change what was. The solution was and is to keep walking forward, to follow Churchill’s advice.
You know the one, if you find yourself in hell, keep walking.
So I did figuring that I am on the right path and if I am not, well I’ll find out.
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Intermixed with it all there have been thoughts about what happens if life gets cut short and the impact upon the children.
It is not because I walk around expecting to have my thread cut short because I really don’t and I expect to be around long enough to tell my grandkids what 2020 was like.
But there have been conversations with people who have asked if I have made out a will and issued thoughts about whether I want heroic measures.
Not going to address those two items in specific now, but I will say I have wondered what my last words would be and what words I would be remembered for.
I could lie and tell you I am making an effort to fill this joint with thoughts and ideas that make me sound noble, selfless and amazing but I am not.
I am who I am and that will have to be enough. Love me or don’t. Like me or don’t.
Those that matter have their opinions and ideas and those that don’t, well if they take the time to figure that out maybe they’ll come across this post and hear me say I tried to be a good guy.
Tried to make a difference and made my share of mistakes but did some good too. I have my regrets but they rarely prevent me from sleeping.
That’s enough for now, I don’t plan on going anywhere and this is not a goodbye letter.
I plan on writing something more substantive about Coronavirus and the impact upon us but I haven’t felt like digging into it the way I want to and think I should.
Don’t want it to be a 1,000 word rant about how Trump bungled and mishandled this event which is likely to be called the greatest disaster the US has endured up to now.
Don’t want to rant about the polarization of the country and the partisan nature that has led to so many selfish people refusing to engage in social distancing though that is appropriate for now too.
Instead we’ll focus on how this is another example of how life can turn on a dime and change is forced upon us.
Don’t want to jinx anything, but I am one of the lucky ones now who is employed with a good job. I am not just grateful, I am very grateful for I have been on the other side.
Hell, if I hadn’t there is a damn good chance I never would have moved to Texas and life could be very different.
Who knows.
Every time I speak with a colleague or client I try to start by asking about them and their families because that extra piece of kindness is important.
I can be very harsh and I can come on like a freight train, but those aren’t always good or useful.
Strange days are upon us and I wonder what things will look like on the other side and whether I’ll find myself asking what happened to those who have disappeared.
Buckle up folks, it is going to be a marathon.
