Who Am I To You?

Still thinking about If I Moved Heaven and Earth and contemplating getting in my car and just driving because I am fed up.

1,968 videos are sent to my Facebook messenger and 98% are the same. All sent by people who mean well and all sent by people who are stuck inside the same way I am.

Although truth be told this might be the first day I haven’t left the house. Might be the first time I have felt the weight a dozen things upon my shoulders and I am irked.

Probably not for the reasons most of you think and even those who might know could miss it and that is alright. I don’t know any mind readers and am not putting this out to use reverse psychology upon you so that you ask.

If I want or need you to know I will tell you.

Wandered down some internet rabbit hole in which people shared secrets and talked about how this is the time to tell everyone who is important to us how we feel.

Thought about doing it, thought about looking at a few pixels on a page and asking who am I to you because the pixels won’t answer and I won’t get involved in a conversation I might not want to have.

It Is Not Fear

Someone asked if my reluctance is based upon fear of what I might hear in response and I shook my head.

I don’t fear any of those conversations as I am confident they will go as they as they are meant to go, but timing does play a role.

Some things could happen before they need to and I am not certain about the impact upon others. Not certain if it could create some issues or if things will go better than I anticipate they might.

The beauty of having been to Hell is you know what it looks and feels like and know that if you got out once before you can do it again.

And I have been dropped into the canyons and trenches there more once and fought my way through them and so I know I can do what is required.

But it doesn’t mean I am anxious to go back or interested if I can avoid doing so. Been there, done that is applicable and so I am walking a different path to see if there is a way around.

Won’t know if that is the case or not for an indefinite amount of time so I’ll just take it day by day or night by night.

****

Night by night…makes me chuckle.

It is another quiet night here where I am the only adult who is awake and if things go as usual will be for countless hours.

The silence might be interrupted by the appearance of a teenager or the dog or it might not. Typically it is just me and time to focus on things that might not be possible to do during other hours.

What Comes Next?

Had more than one person ask me what I think happens next. Had more than one tell me what they expect and each time I nodded my head.

Maybe they are right with their predictions of doom and maybe they are right with their pictures of redemption and glory.

Could be somewhere in the middle and could be just right or just left of their predictions.

Not trying to straddle the fence or avoid making predictions but I am certain it is early to make some of these predictions with the authority they use in their words.

We haven’t hit the peak and haven’t seen the full weight of the virus and its impact upon us. That will push things in a particular direction so it seems to me wiser to stay the course and take a moment to see which direction the tide will take us.

Might as well try to save my strength as best I can for when I will really need it because there is a good chance I’ll have to do much of it on my own.

Might as well do my best to try and rest while able because if it goes south there will be a need to not be exhausted.

But just for the record, I have a running list of some medical issues that need to be addressed  that I expect to put off for a while because I don’t think they merit attention now.

Will bounce it off my doc just to see what he says but I am confident he’ll agree with me as these things are irritants and nothing that prevents me from living my life.

Still, I acknowledge it irks me a little bit to think I might have to live with them and have them become bigger issues.

I blame the old man for that whisper inside my head saying I ought to take care of things sooner than later, so I’ll say hush and move on because it is too late now and there is no need to waste energy on it.

****

Back in LA friends have taken on roles in which they are trying to do things to rally support for our healthcare workers.

Some have started Facebook groups in which they work on spreading cheer and figuring out ways to help our doc friends obtain more PPE.

Others are using GoFundMe to secure money they use to buy meals at restaurants they then deliver to local hospitals.

It is nice to see the pictures of happy docs and nurses and to know there are a few ways to try and make a practical impact upon their care.

A way to help them maintain their strength so they can focus their energy on helping people because it is all hands on deck time.

Told my daughter to consider keeping a journal now because one day her kids and grandkids might want to know something about now.

And then I told her I can wait a good long while to become grandpa and she rolled her eyes at me.

When I ask what comes next that isn’t something I am anxious to experience now. I can wait, there will be time to hold a baby and say “Who am I to you” and then answer my own question.

It is a hell of a time now, I’ll tell you a hell of a time. Guess I’ll keep writing.