Addicted…Again

Made arrangements to catch a flight back to LA for a quick business trip and am wondering if I made the arrangements too quickly and if I ought to look into changing them.

Won’t do anything tonight cuz I am tired and I don’t feel like thinking through it all and need to double check if I am going to have to hit some snowbound city where people have funny accents.

Had a few things happen that reminded me about how much I know about some people and how much they know about me.

Kind of interesting to realize depth of knowledge especially given my reticence to share with most so as I sit here considering things I find my thoughts going a different direction remembering the teens as little kids who used to laugh when I would bounce them on my knees to this song.

Not sure how we got there, but we did.

The older kid used to like this song cuz one of his oldest friends had a house there. Sometimes he’d ask me to take him down a country road cuz he figured it would lead to Virginia.

****

Intermixed among the reverie there is a moment where a mix of pain shoots through me. It is a mixture of familiar ache about two different matters that I know with the intimacy of a lover.

One is the realization that hitting LA again is still a little rough because dad is gone. Doesn’t matter that it is almost two yeas or that I know intellectually he isn’t going to be there.

It just feels striking and it irks me a bit.

Irks me because it feels like I shouldn’t feel irritated like this and irks me because the idea of it not bothering me like this feels a little disrespectful.

Funny to think about how a couple of days ago I was told I am a serious hardass with a hard edge that could use some softening or so the speaker thinks.

Run Towards It

Some people run from the fire and avoid the pain it brings but I am not that smart, I run towards it.

Run towards the ring and hit it hard cuz there is this idea that if I fling myself inside it I can learn to understand it better and master it.

There is a part of me that wonders about this trip because it is going to be hard to to get to see people and hard to get few minutes to visit dad.

I know what he would say and it wouldn’t be to turn things upside down and inside out to get to him.

He is right, but I am who I am and there are the few who can motivate me to move heaven and earth.

Poetry Break

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
   Of those who were older than we—
   Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in Heaven above
   Nor the demons down under the sea
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

Stumbling Towards The End

Got Bowie singing Heroes on the headphones and am lost in thought. Always liked the song, but it has been sitting in a different place since I watched Jojo Rabbit.

Been thinking about a moment with a 19 year-old boy where I looked at him and said “I have got you.”

He looked at me, eyes narrowing and I stared so hard he told me to stop.

“I have got you. There is no difference between when you were three and now.”

We both know that is not entirely true, there are huge differences but somethings are still as they once were and always will be.

There is this sense that I am walking through the dark to a place I cannot see but have to get to. Been heading that way my entire life and now I am that much closer to the end or maybe the beginning.

It is time to find out.

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